one month
it has been one month today since my daddy died
it seems so surreal to verbalize those words,
they can't belong to me, this couldn't happen to me, not my daddy
yet it did
i shared the significance of this day with a few people and how could i expect them to respond?
to cry
to act out in rage
to collapse with disbelief
for their response to echo these fleeting emotions i have had today would have been indulgently satisfying
but mostly silence was their response
reflection and reminiscing in their eyes
can it really be a month, an entire month without my daddy
i keep expecting him to come home at any moment
like he's been on an extended business trip
i keep expecting him to call to see what's new at the johnsons
i've even said in response to a few of the boys' questions, 'go ask grandpa'
i've repeatedly had thoughts of, 'i'll call dad'
he's been gone long enough, i'm ready for him to come home
i can't imagine living the rest of my life without him
i have been feeling like a yo-yo
emotions bouncing up and down, up and down
outside forces driving me to spin round and round
wrapping myself around the string of everyday events that place demand on me to keep going
there has been stretches of days in which i have managed to jump back into life
actually living it with an immense strength that has been gifted to me
a power i have never felt before
seeing life through a new lens, much wider and focused
floating through days in which my weaknesses were swallowed up in the grace of a loving Heavenly Father
but then it came
uninvited emotions of various origins
guilt for actually trying to keep going on with life and for having days in which i don't break down and cry, and just maybe thinking i am able to go on
how could i go on
why should i be ok living without him
doesn't that discredit who he is and how much i need him
anxiety and being overwhelmed
when a new straw comes to tip the scales after you thought you had just balanced it out
straws that have come in the form of
rampant moth infestation in my pantry, forcing each and every item to be removed and inspected and/or tossed
{ooohhh you don't even want to hear the details of this revolting tale which sent me into a full blown hyperventilating anxiety attack, accompanied with involuntary twitches and movements}
car breakdowns in the school pick-up line of busily taxi-ing parents
prolonged episodes of uncooperative children in an array of locales
these, the final straws to send me over the edge
as evidence of a merciful Heavenly Father,
angels in the form of earthly friends have immediately raced to my rescue
And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.beginning to sink
And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying Lord, save me.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him...
if there was ever a way to describe my state at those moments, that would be it
beginning to sink
and immediately
friends stretched forth their hands and caught me in my dissension
such evidence of one of my father's favorite quotes which he recited to me often throughout my life
{mentioned previously here}
God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.
but i would be remiss if i did not reiterate the lift that i have felt in many of the days within this past month
sometimes the lift lasted for days, beautiful days full of increased love for motherhood and patience for the silly little inconveniences of day to day living
other times it has been the rescuing lift, reaching down to pull me up during moments of difficulty
i indeed have felt the presence of my father this month
i am so grateful for those instances
and i hold them dear and sacred
friends i thank you for reaching out to my family
for the notes, for the doorstep surprises, for the calls, for the goodies, for the hugs, for the simple acts of kindness and service that really mean so much to us and are what keep us going.
each one brings to the forefront of my mind those sweet words of testimony from a prophet of God.
God does notice us and he watches over us.
He knows what I am feeling and he is providing countless ways for me to see it.
I pray that I may continue to lift my gaze to see them in the days ahead.
When one month turns into two...
into three...
and on down this road
if you haven't been able to do so yet, we are still looking to put together a book full of your thoughts, stories, and photos of my Daddy. please email them to russellmyhero@gmail.com. we have been enriched by those who have shared so far. thank you again.
