My cousin has encouraged me to write down my thoughts during this time and I need to be better about it. This week has been a rough one. One of pleading, one of desperation, but one of small moments. Moments that have gotten me through it. Little pieces of wisdom and perspective have crept into my heart amidst the turmoil of daddy's trials and daily motherhood.
This first one has made a lasting impact on me.
I was very blessed to have been able to spend an entire day with my Daddy at the hospital this week. I was so happy to see him. I wrapped my arms around him and didn't want to let go. I instinctively wanted to crawl upon his lap and just let him hold me, but of course I didn't as he is so weak. I was happy to be there for whatever he needed.
Around midday I witnessed another oncology patient be released from the hospital. A pink-shirted volunteer wheeled him out to the parking lot as I was leaving to get my Daddy some lunch from CPK (He can't stand the smell of the food in the hospital, nor the menu or silverware for that matter). When I returned to the parking lot after picking up our food, I passed this same patient trying unsuccessfully to start his clunker car. My heart sank. I was deliberating on what to do, because I have "gotten in trouble" before from Mike for helping men alongside the road when I was alone. I decided to go back. I walked up to him and asked him if he needed help. He turned to look at me with sad eyes and spoke to me in broken English and through empty spaces of missing teeth. "Thank you, but I am fine." I asked him if he was hungry and he replied that he was very hungry. I gave him some of my favorite pizza, pear and gorgonzola, yum! and some bread. He was very grateful but insisted that he would be ok. He told me that his car had been sitting in the parking lot for a week while he was in the hospital. As a walked away I began to cry. Here was this sweet man,
no one there to help him after a week long stay on the oncology floor. No one there to take him home. He was in a parking lot with a beat up car and missing teeth (and for anyone who knows me, knows how much I value teeth!), hungry. After a long day at the hospital, I left my Daddy to return home to my children and husband, and there still was this sweet man sitting in his car. He once again replied, "Thank you, but I am fine."
I thought about how hard these past months have been. How horrible and raw they still are, but I realized that despite these seemingly endless trials my family are facing, we are doing it together. We have each other to strength one another. We have dear friends and family who pray for us, who sit with my Daddy at the hospital for hours, who send us words of encouragement just when we need it. I cannot forget that. I have prayed so hard for this man I briefly met. I pray that he will not be alone, that heavenly hands may find their way to him.
The second piece is like unto the first.
In thinking about my family, I realized how I take for granted the fact that our family is one big circle. Meaning that there is no divisions, no breaks, no dividing grudges, no hatred. My parents love each other, fervently. My siblings all love each other and we enjoy being together. Those who are married have happy marriages and have married amazing people. What ease that brings to so many situations. What strength that creates in situations such as this.
The last little piece came today.
I finally decided that I needed do what I've been wanting to do for days, and what my boys have been asking me to do, decorate our house for Christmas. I have been stuck in a slump the last few days and having a hard time getting out of it. Late last night I received some very distressing news from my mother that my father was in some serious pain due to lesions in his throat, mouth, and now on his face and was asking us to pray for him and for divine intervention. For my Daddy to be so forthcoming about his pain and a request from us, really demonstrated to me the level of severity...
Another morning of waking up with puffy eyes.
After the boys were at school, Felicity finally took a nap, and I let Tate watch a show, I began to listen to my "Christmas Morning" playlist on my Ipod and to clean the house in preparation for decorating (our poor, neglected house. I couldn't simply decorate on top of the mess). I began thinking as I had these past weeks, how horrible it was that Daddy was sick during this time of the year, especially in regards to it being the cold and flu season and his white blood cell count being so low. How I wanted him home during the holidays. Why did it have to be now? As I listened to my Christmas songs, a wave of gratitude washed over me. If Daddy had to be sick at all, I guess it being now, during the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons, is really a blessing. No other time of the year are we more reminded to turn our hearts and thoughts to the Savior than now. We are surrounded by reminders of our Savior, whether intentional or unintentional, as we turn on the radio, walk through the store, drive in our neighborhood, see on the television, etc. I know that right now I need the extra reminders. I pray that I may soak up this added spirit and allow it to carry me through these trying days ahead.