Wednesday, December 12, 2012

homeschooling: i can't quit

homeschooling is not for the faint of might
i have watched homeschooling moms from a distance for many years with great respect and awe and 
crossed my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye
that i would never, ever homeschool my children
well, you see, one needs quite an abundance of patience to homeschool
and that's just not one of my giftings

which brings us to present
as i mentioned in my post 'slowing down and drinking it in', i decided to homeschool Owen part time this school year, two days on campus and three days at home with me
oh there have been some beautiful lightbulb moments and choirs singing 'Hallelujah'
but it has been many, many long days of push and pull, give and take, get in close and walk away
with late nights of grading, finishing science experiments, grading, and reading up on density
it has stretched every patience muscle i have and i have failed miserably many, many days
i could easily throw in the towel
i could {as i have threatened to do many times} drop him off at the local elementary school that we actually really love

so why am i doing this
i have reminded myself of the reasons many, many times

it was two days before school began that i received the call that there was an opening for Owen to be homeschooled part-time this year through the wonderful local charter school
mere weeks after the passing of my Daddy

after living through those weeks of experiences, i felt as if my eyes had opened to a completely new way of living
one in which i looked at difficult things as opportunities to grow
one in which i chose to make difficult choices in looking forward to how i will change
how peculiar that in still going through the greatest trials of my life, i was ready for a new one
for yes, i knew this would be a big one
i guess i had finally seen the immediate growth that i had achieved in such a small amount of time, from such a difficult thing as this has been, that somehow i welcomed more growth

as i confessed in 'a mother's plea'
i have been struggling for some time in knowing how to parent my brilliant and sensitive boy
as i reread the words i wrote, it is a miracle to me that although so many of my worries are still center stage,
the beginnings of a solution started with something i would not have suspected
something i would rather have stuck a needle in my eye than do, say, 6 months ago
but Heavenly Father knew
he knew i was ready to be stretched
he sees what i was capable of, even though i see my endless shortcomings

and it is especially hard to see your own weaknesses reflected in your child
to see them struggle with the very things you struggle with every day
and in his case, magnified to some degree
i wonder if he is like that because of me, 
either by observation and imitation
or genetics
maybe in some part
but i am beginning to see what my husband continues to repeat to me as he beckons me to be merciful with myself, 
that Owen's spirit has been this way for a very long time
my heart is open to see that just maybe, a loving Heavenly Father relinquished this dear boy into my care because He knew I would understand him and how he struggles
and in turn could empathize and lift him like others could not
oh, just a taste of what our Savior does for each of us

oh my loving Heavenly Father,
he knew that in order for me to help my son
we needed to grow together
we needed more time together

so you see, i can't stop now, i can't quit now
that's not who we are
that's not what i want to teach him

i must continue to look at this year as optimal time for growth for Owen and myself
Owen - disciple, work, optimism, confidence
Me - to become the mom that i thought in my pre-kids days i would be, for i thought i would be so much better than i am
Me - patient, calm, organized, fun, but mostly patient and calm

as there continue to be good and bad days
i must place these desires for him in front of my own
that is very difficult, being such a selfish being
but in my case, this is what motherhood encompasses for me at this time
and i pray, oh i pray that i am enough for my son
my sweet Owen.


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