photo by magicisland
the past few weeks have been full
full of heartache
with the admission of both my Daddy and Abigail into the hospital on the same day though states apart, Mike’s increasing pain and restless nights, still our uninvited guest clings to us
full of little lifting moments
a hair cut made possible by my Mom for my birthday, a dreamy birthday package from a dear friend, a birthday date night with my sweet hubby made possible by generous friends, a cheery orchid on my counter from another sweet friend, Owen’s Honor Roll assembly, Tate cleaning up the backyard without being asked, Owen thanking me for taking time out of my day to come sign something at school, Eyan’s morning hugs, Felicity’s expanding vocabulary and sentence structure to include ‘I yuv you Mommy’, Mike taking the kids to school and watching them so I could stay overnight with my Daddy in the hospital
as i became nervous that the plasmapheresis was not producing the magical results that it had in the past for my Daddy’s IGM levels as well as his energy and consequently his spirits, i allowed my mind to stray for a moment on what i would do without my father in this life. it was a bleak travel of thought i floated down for a minute.
i thought of an amazing friend who recently lost her father and the strength of testimony and gratitude i have seen her display.
but i did think, how does she get out of bed some mornings?
even with the knowledge of the eternal nature of our spirits, there has to be some days in which just this temporary separation seems too much to bear.
since last i wrote, i was asked to speak at a Women’s Conference for the women of my church in our area, something called a Stake made up of multiple congregations. the topic that i was given was Trials
despite my anxiety of speaking to such a large group of phenomenal women, i felt as if my talk wrote itself. Heavenly Father poured into my heart the things that he had desired for me to learn from my most recent continuing string of trials
how to know Him in the midst of them all
these words of comfort and instruction continue on a daily basis to flood into my mind when i allow despair and fear to creep in
here are my concluding paragraphs:
Oftentimes my trials and struggles blind me, they are that pebble that I have held up to my eye that prevents me from seeing beyond it. I have had a beautiful and blessed life and I allow fear to take over in imagining the tolls disease may take on my Daddy and my husband and what our life together may become. I find myself like Lot’s wife looking behind because she could not imagine that her future could have been better than her past. If there is anyone who we can look to on this earth for optimism, it is our dear living prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Pres. Thomas S. Monson who proclaimed in his closing testimony in the April 2009 General Conference, “The future is as bright as your faith”.
Sisters, I pray as you see your life before you that your faith will lead you to a bright future no matter your current situation. That as we seek to Know our Heavenly Father through recognizing His active hand in our daily life through prayer, through recording our experiences to enable the Spirit to teach us, and by being watchful to not resent those very things which are building our divine nature, we may truly be able to say as Nephi, “Nevertheless, I Know In whom I have trusted”.
i am grateful to a loving and merciful Heavenly Father who provided me with an opportunity to speak so that i could be still, and sit and reflect on the lessons that He was asking me to learn when i just didn’t think i could be stretched any more. Who’s gift to me of the Holy Ghost brought to my mind in just that instant the words of one of my favorite quotes from the ever eloquent apostle of the Lord, Elder Neal A Maxwell, from his powerful book “The Promise of Discipleship”
“Even if and when we seem to have squeezed out the last full measure of our devotion, an omniscient and perfectly empathic God not only knows the difficulties through which we have passed and are passing but also knows if any residue of unused devotion still remains to further the process!”
Heavenly Father knows what we are capable of and of our potential for greatness - He knows our heart, He is our creator, He sees our life, He sees it in its complete form. He knows what we are to become. And through his wisdom and mercy He will utilize any residue of unused devotion to refine us and raise us to levels of faith and testimony that we didn’t even know we were capable of.
i pray that these thoughts will continue to bring comfort, peace and joy to me
even, and especially, on those mornings i just don’t feel like getting out of bed