i decide

this week has been brutal to say the least

torturous may be a word i would use

the disease is making an ugly appearance this week
some of our greatest fears made manifest

and it scares me that these new ugly things may take up permanent residence in him

tests being run

new treatments being explored

every action analyzed

and in my mind battles are raging

questions

why more

why would his last means of giving purpose to his 'duty driven heart' be taken away

how much longer must this go on

how much more can he endure

how much more can i be pulled

when will things get better

there are defining moments 

when you find yourself in places you never thought you would be in 

paths you never imagined being on 

choices you never would have wanted to have to make

witnessing seeming injustices that you never would have wanted to witness  

in those moments you have a choice 

how are you going to react   

who are you going to become

what feeling are you going to give into

after a period of feeling very justified in my anger 

feeling deserving of a reprieve for my husband and myself

a chance for us to breath

i began to recognize old habits of thinking in myself

old habits of reactionary responses

old habits of letting the air get sucked out of my lungs as the weight presses down

today i had to make a hard choice  

i fought it hard  

i have good reason to be angry 
i held on tight to it

but i began to see that i was going down a road i didn’t want to be on again

i was becoming someone i didn’t want to be

someone i fought hard to break free from
and pleaded with my Savior to help me change from

ungrateful

self-absorbed

justified in anger

i am grateful that i chose not to let myself fall back into despair for too long

but to decide that's not who i am

not anymore

to decide

to decide

to decide

i choose happiness

that's who i am and 

that’s who i want to stay

its not easy

those thoughts flood in

my circumstances scream loudly in my face
my husband's suffering blaring 
he fighting the real battle

i will fall 

and fall again

but i won’t let myself stay down there for very long

for i decide

i decide to choose happiness

that’s who i am and

that’s who i want to stay

and as we wait

we wait and watch

i will turn my heart to a place that will serve Mike best

a place of trusting

a place of peace

a place of humility

until my next fall comes

and then i will decide

i will decide again

to choose happiness

prayers my friends

i ask for your prayers

as we seek for answers

{to read more about our journey with Multiple Sclerosis click here}