Tuesday, June 10, 2014

i decide

choosing happiness multiple sclerosis

this week has been brutal to say the least
torturous may be a word i would use
the disease is making an ugly appearance this week
some of our greatest fears made manifest
and it scares me that these new ugly things may take up permanent residence in him
tests being run
new treatments being explored
every action analyzed

and in my mind battles are raging
why more
why would his last means of giving purpose to his 'duty driven heart' be taken away
how much longer must this go on
how much more can he endure
how much more can i be pulled
when will things get better

there are defining moments 
when you find yourself in places you never thought you would be in 
paths you never imagined being on 
choices you never would have wanted to have to make
witnessing seeming injustices that you never would have wanted to witness  
in those moments you have a choice 
how are you going to react   
who are you going to become
what feeling are you going to give into

after a period of feeling very justified in my anger 
feeling deserving of a reprieve for my husband and myself
a chance for us to breath
i began to recognize old habits of thinking in myself
old habits of reactionary responses
old habits of letting the air get sucked out of my lungs as the weight presses down

today i had to make a hard choice  
i fought it hard  
i have good reason to be angry 
i held on tight to it
but i began to see that i was going down a road i didn’t want to be on again
i was becoming someone i didn’t want to be
someone i fought hard to break free from
and pleaded with my Savior to help me change from
justified in anger

i am grateful that i chose not to let myself fall back into despair for too long
but to decide that's not who i am
not anymore
to decide
to decide
to decide

i choose happiness
that's who i am and 
that’s who i want to stay

its not easy
those thoughts flood in
my circumstances scream loudly in my face
my husband's suffering blaring 
he fighting the real battle
i will fall 
and fall again
but i won’t let myself stay down there for very long

for i decide
i decide to choose happiness
that’s who i am and
that’s who i want to stay

and as we wait
we wait and watch
i will turn my heart to a place that will serve Mike best
a place of trusting
a place of peace
a place of humility

until my next fall comes
and then i will decide
i will decide again
to choose happiness

prayers my friends
i ask for your prayers
as we seek for answers

{to read more about our journey with Multiple Sclerosis click here}


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