self-sabotage and barbed wire: fighting the battle within

sometimes life just keeps handing you surprises
and sometimes its you, yourself that is the surprise
these past few months, and particularly this last week, have been transforming in the way i look at myself and my place in the world
my eyes have been opened
and my heart has changed
it is a beautiful feeling

over the past four years since Mike's diagnosis i have experienced
anger, resentment, fear, hopelessness, denial, apathy, depression
my heart has broken
my dreams shaken
my world crumbled
but i also have experienced
unconditional love, joy, gratitude, unshakable faith, hope, compassion, peace
my life being lifted by the goodness of others and by God
i've seen my husband in a new light
the light of a true man
i've seen myself in a new light
the light of a driven woman

after my daddy died i was granted the gift of peace
a spirit of endurance and resolve that i could do hard things if i depended on the Lord
what a boost that was in my daily living in learning to live without daddy
as this year has progressed my ability to cope with difficult things has wavered
difficult things just kept coming my way
my ability to handle these situations has waned not because my belief in God has faltered
but my belief in myself
i know God works miracles, i have seen them first hand time and time again
i have even seen them within myself
granted they have come whilst dealing with tremendously difficult things
but they have come in areas i am comfortable and familiar with
my faith in God and his ability to bring me through these difficulties
this is something i am confident in
this is something i have experienced before
this is something i have come to expect

the wavering of my ability to cope with these new difficulties
lies in my doubt in something else
not God
but myself
me and my ability to be more
be more in an area that i am uncomfortable in
success in the workplace
with me as a provider for our family

as things have become increasingly difficult in our life due to mike's health and other circumstances
the reality of me needing to play an increasingly significant role as a provider for our family has solidified to the level of necessary
answers to prayers have been coming in forms i never would have imagined
people have come into my life
people have stayed in my life
tools have been brought to my world
what hasn't been there was me
well not completely anyway
i have been working so hard to convince myself that i can be successful in this new role
that i, me, briana marie, stay at home mother of 4, inexperienced, little ole me, 
can provide for our family and renew hope in our dreams and build new ones
all the while that voice in the back of my head has been self-sabotaging my laborious outer and inner efforts
my belief has been waning and waffling
this internal battle between confidence and doubt has been mentally and emotionally exhausting

i needed to break down that wall i have been building around my heart and my dreams
protecting them from the next blow to my family that i have somehow adjusted to expecting
not in a negative 'something bad must be coming' way
just in a broad defensive stance, stand your ground, and 'be ready for it' way
i built a wall around my dreams and put a no trespassing sign and barbed wire fence around it
to keep myself out
it would be easier that way i thought
just don't dream
don't i dare dream again
don't i dare even get close to it
i can be happy and live with what we've already been given
which is indeed a rich life
but don't i dare dream for more


but i wanted to unlock those gates to my dreams
i wanted to give myself, mike, and my children things to hope for, work towards, believe in the possibility of
but before any dreams could be achieved, the basics must be addressed
those necessities of sustaining our family needed to be taken care 
and now i am playing a larger part in providing those necessities
and not much will be achieved without that elusive self-belief that i could be successful in this
what would naturally follow would be to allow myself to dream once more
but would it hurt more to allow myself to dream again or to continue to shut myself off from the prospect never tasting their sweetness
but what if having confidence to succeed could not only allow myself the means to provide those basics for my family, but also give me permission to bust through those barbed wire doors to let my dreams free

i am here today to tell you that it happened
that necessary transformation that is propelling me into the workplace with confidence
with achieving success and accomplishing my dreams in the forefront of my mind
that story alone merits its own post
in which i will share how i have overcome this internal battle

to which i say...to be continued...

to read more about our journey with MS click here
or my daddy's battle with cancer click here

what internal battles have you fought? have you ever experienced self-sabotaging thoughts? how did you overcome them?