April and May 2010: Felicity at 2 Months

At 2 Months Felicity:

loved her changing table

still wore NB clothes

let her Mommy attach bows to her head with caro syrup

had lots of people who loved her

liked to smile

loved her pacifier

wore her first shoes which Mommy dressed up

loved our walks, slept most of the time:-)

slept in her carseat and through the night for the 1st time

needed to be held all the time, no substitutes

wore her 1st bathing suit at Grandma's

loved her GG

Love Rocks!

Happy Valentine's Day from my lively little crew!!!

Nor Things to Come

Romans chapter 8 has been a favorite of mine ever since I can remember.  I go to it time and time again for words of comfort and for words of courage!  Each time it seems that Heavenly Father is speaking to me, almost in a new voice with new words.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose...

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...

NAY, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, ...nor things present, nor things to come... 

Shall be able to separate us from the LOVE of GOD, which is in Christ Jesus of Lord. 

Romans 8:28, 35, 37-39 (emphasis added)

In a recent phone conversation with my cousin Karlee, she read back to me a letter that I had written her years ago in which I had quoted this scripture.  It was a strange feeling hearing my own words read. Of course most of them weren't my own, but the Lord's.  As she read these scriptures the words "nor things to come" really struck my soul.  More than ever I have been carrying around fear in my heart, fear for things to come.  Heavenly Father was speaking comfort to my soul through these words, that whatever may be approaching on the horizon, it will not separate me from His love.  The other half of this equation is that I cannot let it do so.  I must not allow whatever comes to cause me to separate myself from His love.

We may have heard many times, "that all things work together for good to them that love God", but I had not given much notice to the words that follow, "to them who are called according to his purpose."  I have been called to this purpose, HIS purpose.  I am not sure what it is yet, but I know He has one.  I pray that I will slowly begin to see what it is and that I will remember His promise, that it will work together for good.

As I look at this photo of Mike as Felicity's champion as she takes her first steps, I see joy in the present and I see hope in our future.  That is truly the Love of God manifest in our lives.

Update on the Men in My Life

2011 is already racing by.  I can't believe February is knocking at the door.  I have received many inquiries into the status of my Daddy as well as to my husband Mike who's condition has fallen out of the spotlight now that Daddy has been in it.  For those of you who may not know, Mike was diagnosed in the summer of 2009 with Multiple Sclerosis.  I can't believe it was that long ago.  You can read about our journey in my previous posts:  

The long awaited diagnosis

Nurse, Needles, and kNowledge

Miracles and Disappointments

Announcement

Unfortunately Mike accidentally deleted his blog, journaling his thoughts and daily struggles with MS, when he deleted his old email account.  I am so sad that we no longer have his words of inspiration and perspective.

It has been a trail of smooth and rugged terrain over the past year and a half.  We have so much to be grateful for and I thank my Heavenly Father daily for this amazing man that is my eternal companion.  It has been difficult for me to witness the effects of this disease on him.  Tasks that are easy for you and I prove difficult for someone who struggles with issues of equilibrium, beyond extreme fatigue, inability to manage body temperature, constant shooting pain in your leg, numbness in various parts of your body, random twitches and shocks, and the frustration of telling your body to do one thing and it doing another or nothing at all.   Holding your baby, going up and down stairs, walking or sitting for too long, staying up late, getting over a simple cold, and so on are challenges that you wish weren't.

Of course I've discovered that Mikes suffers from all this and random other things not because he complains, because he does not, but because he will make jokes about it or I'll watch him struggle or I'll have to beg it out of him.  I can usually tell when something is wrong, but have a hard time getting him to admit to it.  In the beginning I seemed to forget some days that he was sick, but it has seemed like lately the physical reminders have increased.  

At times I battle with feelings of severe discouragement over his condition & our future as well as feelings of overwhelming inadequacy for the task of being the right kind of support for him & our children, but always always am I met each and every day by a loving, faithful, encouraging, and hard working husband.  He is a pillar of strength for me who continually points me to our eternal source of strength, our Savior Jesus Christ.  I have gone so long without worrying about our future due to the fact that I know my Heavenly Father is always mindful of my family.  How do I know this?  Because he has proven it time and time again.  So why do I allow those moments of doubt and fear to creep in?  I guess I doubt myself and my ability to handle it all.  At those times I am reminded through that still small voice that I am not required to handle it all by myself.  The words of one of my favorite scriptures {shared by my cousin Shelise so long ago} are whispered in my heart, "ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along." {Doctrine and Covenants 78:18}  I love to be led.  That is one of the greatest feelings and experiences in life, to be lead by God.  I pray for his continued guidance as we meet whatever may come next.

My Daddy is holding up fairly well under the circumstances.  He was able to be home for Christmas which was a miracle in itself. This photo of him and Felicity is on Christmas Day, both in their Christmas pjs.  He has received 3 rounds of chemotherapy since having to be in the hospital for 25 days and has been well enough to be at home and even to resume a lot of his church duties as stake president as well as going back to work a few times a week.  My mom drives him into work and has adopted a neighborhood in Whittier as her home away from home.  Many days he is able to work from home.

Since his release from the hospital my parents have met with several other doctors, getting "second opinions" regarding my father's diagnosis and treatment.  From what they have been told, the type of Myeloma my father has is very rare, maybe 200 cases in the entire country.  This is what made it so difficult to diagnose in the first place.  My parents are in the process of deciding under which doctor they will be doing treatments.  Right now he is on a cycle for chemotherapy in which he has it 4 times within 2 weeks and then off only 1 week before the cycle begins again.  The 2nd treatment day is always the roughest with 2 chemicals instead of 1.

One of the biggest battles that my Daddy has had over the past month and a half has been an unrelenting, heavy cough which has kept him from sleeping and recovering properly causing various side effects.  He has undergone multiple tests to try and determine its origin, but they have been inconclusive.

Just as my amazing husband, my incredible father is as positive as ever.  It is great to see a smile on his face, especially when he is with the grandkids.  Owen and Eyan have enjoyed some special time with grandpa playing the Wii, doing puzzles, and watching those silly shows that grandpa likes to watch like "Wipeout".  He is learning a new normal and I think that it the latest challenge for him.  But Dad enjoys a challenge because that is what life is made of, challenges.  I know that he will "come off conqueror"!

January 2011: The Follow-Through Fairy

photo by HappyTownUsa

I love New Year's.  Not for the staying up late part or being allowed to eat whatever you want "one more last time", since after-all, you will be starting your diet the next day... but for the good ole sense of renewal!  For the feeling of "I can be better".  For setting aside your normal frustration with your shortcomings and determining to improve.  You see yourself in a new light, one of optimism and of possibilities!

I love this feeling!
Here's where I digress for a moment... I remember having this feeling last year and for some reason, my New Year's resolutions seem to be the same as last year.  Hmmm?!
So this year I've decided I'm having a New and Improved Resolution:  To FOLLOW-THROUGH. I'm rather good at coming up with ideas.  I've got piles of them and piles of started projects to prove it.  What I need is completed projects, results.  I need to see change in myself.  What does that require:  (all together now...) FOLLOW-THROUGH.

So here's what I'm thinking, I need 2 things this coming year that are going to help me.  Really one or the other will do.

First, a new super power.
My kids asked me recently who I would be if I could be a superhero.  I told them that I wanted the super power to stop time.  I would bring my hands together and time would stand still, everyone would be frozen like a statue, even the little dust particles in the air {which I named "Sun's Helpers" as a little girl, incidentally} would stand still.  I could clean up, finish projects, exercise, cook dinner, and do what I needed to do with my children frozen in time and then, voila...I could start time back up again.  Wow, that would be incredible!  Of course they didn't think it was really cool super power.
For some reason I'm thinking that there was a girl named Vickie who had this power on a show I watched as a child, maybe "Small Wonders".  I'm thinking that's not exactly right, someone correct me here.

Photo by MBarberPhotos

Next, the Follow-Through Fairy.
Since we are so good as a society at coming up with fictional creatures that grant us our every wish and bring us gifts and money, I think I might as well come up with my own.  The Follow-Through Fairy.  I think she will become very popular.  She can sprinkle you with her Follow-Through Fairy Dust and suddenly you will have the energy and efficiency to balance your time to complete all of your projects and remain on the path to self-improvement.  Brilliant ideas will suddenly come to your mind and your will-power will be unstoppable.

So the first unfinished project I decided I needed help from the Follow-Through Fairy on this year is my well-participated contest, "Girls Got No Skills" that some of you may have entered ... last July... 2009.  I asked for help with submissions of recipes that this cooking-challenged gal could make for my children now that Mike is no longer the family chef.  I asked for meals that would be easy to make, healthy, and kid-friendly.  Now I would need to add that they could not contain red meat, for Mike's diet restrictions.  So sad, but I need to resume the contest so badly.  Yes life has been crazy with having a baby, Mike and my Daddy being sick, Mike's new work schedule dot dot dot, but I've got to figure out how to put yummy, healthy meals on the table for my children.  The saddest part is that they don't realize that they are deprived of normal family meals.  Case in point:  Feeling that amazing New Year's Empowerment today I asked Owen to write down the boys' things they would want me to make for dinner- any meal at all- determined to learn how to make it for them.  Here are the boys' top meals: oatmeal, corn dogs, breakfast shakes, and Malt-O-Meal with Chex, Cheerios, and quesadillas also coming in among the favorites.  Mike and I were dying.  Laughing but oh so sad.  My boys don't even know what "a meal" is.  Really I've tried-lots of times even with 4 food groups in one meal:-), but I haven't been consistent, not enough FOLLOW-THROUGH:-)

So I ask for your support in encouraging me this year to complete some of my projects and make those changes that I want to see in myself.  I have such good intentions!  Really I do.

December 2010: Warning: Silliness Alert

I have been going through tons of home video footage for my sister-in-law who is creating a Christmas surprise and have been having a blast watching them.  Since Mike bought us this awesome new computer, I figured I should play around with it a little.  Here is my first attempt at using IMovie.  I am afraid it may be addicting.  Owen and I had so much fun creating this.  Hope you enjoy getting a glimpse of the silliness I am surrounded by on a daily basis.
Presenting....

THREE SILLY BOYS

December 2010: Pickles Gets a Haircut

So its the first official morning of the kids' 3-week (yes, you heard that right, 3 weeks!) Christmas vacation and I was grateful for the lack of the mad morning rush.  Apparently my brain went on a vacation as well.  After I gave up on exercising since 10 minutes of my workout became 40 due to interruptions, I made myself a bowl of granola for breakfast.   I proceeded to put the almond milk in the cupboard not even realizing I had already put the granola in the fridge.  Wwow!  This was a continuation of my brain's vacation last night when I played a game with my family and managed to add up die to get from 28 to 22.  Great addition skills. Mike loved that one.

So, back to this morning... After making a phone call to the appliance repair man since my heavily used and abused dryer sparked and blew the breaker on Saturday, I looked over to see a very giddy Tate smiling up at me.  My eyes were drawn to his smile framed by his chocolate breakfast-shake mustache and beard. He stayed looking at me for awhile but then scampered away returning to what the boys were supposed to be doing, cleaning out their school supply/junk drawer.  What a great and responsible motherly thing to ask of my children I had thought!  Well not 2 minutes after I had received Mike's text response to my grocery location mix-up who thought that was funny and to "Enjoy these days with the kids at home!"  I heard some snipping and my kids response to my inquiries to what they were doing as "cutting hair".  Once again my brain was on vacation because it took me 2 long seconds before that computed and I exploded out of my chair.

Owen, out of all three of them, yes the 8 year old, was the one that had cut his littlest brother, Tate, the giddy one's, hair.  Surprisingly this is our first encounter with sibling haircuts.  Tate has thrilled with his haircut.  Me... not so much.  Not my greatest mothering moment.  After there were some distribution of boys into corners, I quickly sent Mike a text of how I was enjoying the kids until Owen cut Tate's hair.  He responded with something that made me laugh.  Oh how I needed that.  Mike has a way of making me laugh, wording things just right, and putting things into perspective, mainly because he has a grand perspective of life, and maybe a small part of it comes from the fact that he's there at work and I'm here in the trenches:-)  "Find the fun.  Find the humor.  Things that can't be changed!!! (Don't you mean Pickles got his haircut!)"

I tend to be too serious minded as a mom and I'm working on it.  Owen told me in the car last week when I responded seriously to something he meant not to be taken seriously, "that most people joke around Mom".   I told him that he was right.  Oh how I wish I could be more silly and laugh more at the "inconveniences" that come my way at a constant pace.  I pray, literally, for a better sense of humor with my children.

"Pickles" is the nickname that Tate has given himself.  Hilarious, that kid!  He also calls Felicity "Bobo" for some reason.  Mike has started coming up with various little stories of the Adventures of Pickles and Bobo and this was just one more adventure for the lot.

Mike asked me to send him a photo of Tate's new do from my phone and I couldn't help but laugh.  Thankfully!  laugh at the gomer haircut and then at the still giddy and proud smile plastered on Tate's face.

 I decided that I had seen this haircut before.  At first I thought it was from the creepy guy on Charlie's Angels, you know, George McFly, but no that's not exactly right.

Then it came to me, its from the bad guy on The Fifth Element (who is also the same guy that plays Sirius Black, never would have guessed).  A nearly perfect resemblance!

I think we'll give Owen one to match!

November 2010: Felicity's Foto Shoot

My baby girl has been growing up so quickly, and unfortunately I have not posted very many photos of her on my blog.  Believe me, there have been plenty taken.  So I will try my best to go back over the past fews months and post some of my favorites.  Wow, that's going to be tough.

As you can see, our sweet little Felicity has quite the little personality.  It took a little warming up to get her in the playful mood for the camera.  It took a lot of effort to get these photos!  Thank you Cheryl once again.

Felicity got her teeth in so quickly that I wanted to make sure we got some cute ones of her before she looked more like an infant than a baby.  She is a doll and has a million faces.  My favorite we have never been able to capture on film because she doesn't do it too often.  She puckers up her sweet lips so much that she cuts off the air to her nose.  Its hilarious!

Well I have been wanting to purchase some actions and learn how to use them as I mentioned in my previous post of my little AV8R (that's how my grandpa had it spelled on his license plate:-) ).  I haven't had too much time, but I decided I wanted to do some tonight.  So here I am way past my bedtime playing with these darling photos of Felicity.  There are so many gorgeous actions, that I couldn't just pick one this time.  All of them are from Florabella.  So so fun!  Doesn't she just make you smile and say, "Oh she's so cute!"?

HE IS HOME!!!

After 25 days in St. Joseph's hospital, my Daddy has come home!  What joy that brings to our family.  I wanted to let everyone know so that they could share in this joy as well.  Please continue to pray for his health as he has every intention of continuing his "normal" life of dutiful work and faithful church service.  He is driven.  I am sure it will be of no surprise to you to hear that on his first day "home" he went to work.  Pray for him to be sustained and lifted, but also to be wise and patient.  Thank you to all for your continued prayers and support!

Little Pieces and Small Moments

My cousin has encouraged me to write down my thoughts during this time and I need to be better about it.  This week has been a rough one.  One of pleading, one of desperation, but one of small moments.  Moments that have gotten me through it.  Little pieces of wisdom and perspective have crept into my heart amidst the turmoil of daddy's trials and daily motherhood.

This first one has made a lasting impact on me.
I was very blessed to have been able to spend an entire day with my Daddy at the hospital this week.  I was so happy to see him.  I wrapped my arms around him and didn't want to let go.  I instinctively wanted to crawl upon his lap and just let him hold me, but of course I didn't as he is so weak.  I was happy to be there for whatever he needed.
Around midday I witnessed another oncology patient be released from the hospital.  A pink-shirted volunteer wheeled him out to the parking lot as I was leaving to get my Daddy some lunch from CPK (He can't stand the smell of the food in the hospital, nor the menu or silverware for that matter).  When I returned to the parking lot after picking up our food, I passed this same patient trying unsuccessfully to start his clunker car.  My heart sank.  I was deliberating on what to do, because I have "gotten in trouble" before  from Mike for helping men alongside the road when I was alone.  I decided to go back.  I walked up to him and asked him if he needed help.  He turned to look at me with sad eyes and spoke to me in broken English and through empty spaces of missing teeth.  "Thank you, but I am fine."  I asked him if he was hungry and he replied that he was very hungry.  I gave him some of my favorite pizza, pear and gorgonzola, yum! and some bread.  He was very grateful but insisted that he would be ok.  He told me that his car had been sitting in the parking lot for a week while he was in the hospital.  As a walked away I began to cry.  Here was this sweet man,
alone
no one there to help him after a week long stay on the oncology floor.  No one there to take him home.  He was in a parking lot with a beat up car and missing teeth (and for anyone who knows me, knows how much I value teeth!), hungry.  After a long day at the hospital, I left my Daddy to return home to my children and husband, and there still was this sweet man sitting in his car.  He once again replied, "Thank you, but I am fine."

I thought about how hard these past months have been.  How horrible and raw they still are, but I realized that despite these seemingly endless trials my family are facing, we are doing it together.  We have each other to strength one another.  We have dear friends and family who pray for us, who sit with my Daddy at the hospital for hours, who send us words of encouragement just when we need it.  I cannot forget that.  I have prayed so hard for this man I briefly met.  I pray that he will not be alone, that heavenly hands may find their way to him.

The second piece is like unto the first.
In thinking about my family, I realized how I take for granted the fact that our family is one big circle.  Meaning that there is no divisions, no breaks, no dividing grudges, no hatred.  My parents love each other, fervently.  My siblings all love each other and we enjoy being together.  Those who are married have happy marriages and have married amazing people.  What ease that brings to so many situations.  What strength that creates in situations such as this.

The last little piece came today.
I finally decided that I needed do what I've been wanting to do for days, and what my boys have been asking me to do, decorate our house for Christmas.  I have been stuck in a slump the last few days and having a hard time getting out of it.  Late last night I received some very distressing news from my mother that my father was in some serious pain due to lesions in his throat, mouth, and now on his face and was asking us to pray for him and for divine intervention.  For my Daddy to be so forthcoming about his pain and a request from us, really demonstrated to me the level of severity...
Another morning of waking up with puffy eyes.

After the boys were at school, Felicity finally took a nap, and I let Tate watch a show, I began to listen to my "Christmas Morning" playlist on my Ipod and to clean the house in preparation for decorating (our poor, neglected house.  I couldn't simply decorate on top of the mess).  I began thinking as I had these past weeks, how horrible it was that Daddy was sick during this time of the year, especially in regards to it being the cold and flu season and his white blood cell count being so low.  How I wanted him home during the holidays.  Why did it have to be now?  As I listened to my Christmas songs, a wave of gratitude washed over me.  If Daddy had to be sick at all, I guess it being now, during the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons, is really a blessing.  No other time of the year are we more reminded to turn our hearts and thoughts to the Savior than now.  We are surrounded by reminders of our Savior, whether intentional or unintentional, as we turn on the radio, walk through the store, drive in our neighborhood, see on the television, etc.  I know that right now I need the extra reminders.  I pray that I may soak up this added spirit and allow it to carry me through these trying days ahead.