eyan's pre-baptism photo shoot: a boy, his scriptures, and mother nature

my little Eyan is getting baptized this coming week

he is a gentle soul

affectionate

protector

observer

peacemaker

he is the soft hand on my shoulder when i begin to raise my voice

a reminder i asked him to give me

and he remembers

he remembers

he is a fierce competitor when it comes to sports and games of any sort

he likes to win

he loves hockey

and checks the game stats and standings first thing when he wakes up

i love this sweet age of eight

budding curiosity 

innocence preserved

a closeness to spiritual matters

expanding knowledge of the world around them

heightened ability to decipher what is right and what is wrong

a world in black and white

mom is still a beacon of truth

it is at this age that our faith, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, opens the window for baptism

to demonstrate our willingness to obey his commandments and follow Christ's example

it is at this age in which children know enough about right and wrong that they can begin to be held accountable for their choices

choices

accountability

responsibility

consequences

repentance

forgiveness

grace

such concepts of grand weight that it takes men a lifetime to understand and practice

but if you ask Eyan about, he can explain in a way only a nearly eight year old heart could

these are all things you pray that as a mother you have taught your child

and have kept your motherly promise to do as Hannah in the Old Testament, to give him to the Lord all the days of his life

i am so delighted by the young man he is growing up to be

and grateful to have captured his soothing personality in these photos

today is daddy's birthday

today is my daddy's birthday

a young 58 he would have been

i always loved having my birthday right next to his

he and i were even born in the same hospital

oh hospitals...such a dichotomy of life paths

last year he was in the hospital for his birthday

my daddy

the most kind patient that hospital has ever seen

they loved him and cared for him

he always had a smile on his face no matter the poking or prodding that was being done

he laughed and made others feel at ease

he is my champion

my hero

life without his counsel, without his phone calls, without his funny faces, without his quiet example

just isn't the same

i am tremendously grateful that i have felt his presence close to me many times since his passing

and have felt his love and guidance through the kindness of others

because of my belief in the eternal nature of souls

this separation does not seem finite

it is a new feeling i am becoming accustomed to

a sense of him being on an extremely extended trip

a temporary separation

but i'm ready for it to be over

i'm ready for him to walk through that front door and yell 'AY-O' like he always did

last year we wanted daddy to feel of our love even though he was separated from us

because of the nature of his condition and the floor on which he stayed

the grandchildren were not able to all go up and see him

we decided upon a parking lot display of love and song

each grandchild held a balloon

they missed grandpa and most didn't quite understand why we couldn't just go up to see him

the older ones who had a better concept of time understood that grandpa had been in and out of the hospital many times and that he was sick

felicity only 2 had realized it as well, calling the hospital 'grandpa's house' which stabbed at my heart to hear

the kids were happy to be able to be together and do something for grandpa's birthday

for many children, birthdays are the most important event of the year

or at least the most talked about one in our house

they plan them from the day after their birthday to the day of

we gathered in the parking lot below his room

our brightly colored balloons blowing in the breeze

the grandkids holding their banner decorated with outlined handprints and colored in words reading

'happy birthday grandpa'

we called grandma who was beside him in his room and put the phone on speaker so he could hear our birthday song

although we could not see him behind the heavily tinted windows and glare of the bright sun

we knew he was there looking down upon us

smiling

face turned red

fighting to hold back tears with that face we know so well

nurses also stood there touched by our family's love

they knew this man was loved, adored, revered 

that they must have known

all of this happened in a matter of minutes

but as i look back on those few moments they speak to my grieving heart

and show me the reality of my todays

now as we are down below with our offerings of crayon sketches and shiny balloons

my daddy looks down upon us and smiles

though we can not see his face

i have not a single doubt that that is true

oh how i long to see his face

to walk and talk with him even in a dream if that is all i can have at this time

i pray that through our expressions of love for my Daddy

my children will hold such memories in their minds and hearts

happy birthday daddy

on turning 35

35
what can i say but wow
i remember 34 like it was just yesterday
and 30 like it was yesterday's yesterday

do i feel older
no i don't
do i feel old
no i don't
well maybe
ok a little...ish

but i probably am... in years that is
but i hope not in spirit

this past week i attended a group that i frequent regularly
there was a new member who was a darling young mom who was sitting alone
i introduced myself to her and asked if i could sit next to her
to which she smiled and agreed
we exchanged introductions for just a few moments before the meeting began
before i could pick up our conversation after the meeting ended, she began talking to a few other moms seated around us, all much younger than i
all with less laugh lines, less children, and without any grey hairs i'm sure
i picked up my stuff and left
i thought about that exchange
i know she meant no ill will of any kind
its just my own take on the scene

i came home and told mike about it
to which he replied: you are not as young as you think you are
that's exactly what i was thinking
i am older than i think
it kind of stinks sometimes to be the older established mother in a room full of younger mom's whose bodies managed to regain their former glory so quickly

this is not my first encounter with feeling like an old mom
nothing can top the day i officially felt old
almost four years ago
upon inviting a new neighbor at her doorstep to come with me to a mom's group i had joined
she proceeded to ask
'is this a group with lots of moms in their forties?'
i have to say i was taken aback by this
i later shredded the outfit i was wearing
read all the details here

but as i laugh at these encounters
i know that my spirit is young
my creativity is heightened
my desire to learn continues to thrive
my fear of doing new things has diminished
i still never pass up an opportunity to dance
my joy i am taking in my four children and their growing stages
the new part of my path i see ahead of me
the beauty i am drawn to and which surround me

today
i am young
gonna set the world on fire
i'm gonna burn brighter
than the sun
**

a lovely word from our sponsor: jennalou designs

feeling a little starstruck in introducing my new friend and first sponsor

the ever so talented Jenna Lou of

Jenna Lou Designs

she is the real deal 

a self made woman

who over the past 7 years has transformed her small etsy shop to a full-on production team

i've seen her studio sewing machines

they mean business

i'm sure you have seen her banners on your favorite blogs and wedding sites

she is legit

i was so privileged to have met her at the 

Be Crafty Workshop in Minnesota

{see part one of my trip here}

as you can immediately see from her photos

she has a warm glow about her

and the most perfect skin i have ever seen

she has been a true supporter of the changes i am trying to make and has been helping me along the way

meet THE

Jenna Lou

HI!MYNAMEISJENNA

HI!MYHiNAMEISJENNALOU.

I’m a stitcher, gardener, baker, crafter, tree-hugger, entrepreneur, homemaker and a Southern Minnesotan girl who fell in love with sewing. My passion truly started when I was taught as a little girl to sew and slowly blossomed into a fulfilling full time career.

Jenna Lou Designs was started in 2006, specializing in handmade handbags and wallets. It started as a one woman show where I did everything from making my original designs, to cutting, to sewing, to constantly having an eye out for the best, most brilliant fabrics. High quality materials are just as important to me as the creativity put into each design. In 2011 after years of a growing business, I could no longer handle the workload alone so I expanded my team to a few of the most kind, gentle, supportive, and brilliant seamstresses I could find. They are fabulous and we make a pretty great team!

I greatly enjoy taking custom orders because it allows my customers to express their personalities and love the uniqueness of each order. My fabric gallery allows you to choose from hundreds of fabrics in every color imaginable to meet your individual style. You can start designing yours today by viewing the online fabric gallery.

Blessings, Jenna

i am having a lovefest over this brown leather bag with the tassel
Jenna is having her first sample sale 
RIGHT NOW
head on over here to snag these and other purse, clutches, headbands, and scarves before they are gone
come see her shop here
and then read her blog here

lets show her some love from Sweet Dreams are Made of These

i know you'll just fall for her too

sneak peek: you'll soon be 'dash'ing

just a little sneak peek as to what has been keeping me up til the wee hours of the morning

so excited to reveal to you 

how this sweet little face is part of my new scenery

if you are not yet following me on instagram

now would be a great time to start

you won't want to miss out on any details

you'll be 'dash'ing soon

walking out the door with grace and snowman pjs

my alarm clock mercilessly went off at 6:00 am
it doesn't care that i was up til 12:52 am
sewing
returning emails
chatting with my friend with a heart of gold about my 35 for 35 Night of sewing baby blankets and her own cause she is courageously championing
i may have squeezed in a little 'history of rap' with jimmy fallon and j t

i roll over to kneel in prayer and fall in and out of sleep
i put on my house socks and head downstairs to read my scriptures
i drift in and out whilst reading then decide that reading them aloud may be better served
little feet come downstairs and join me under my warm blanket
i let us divert from our regular routine and allow them to eat breakfast before getting dressed
and so a lot of diverging follows
until 8:15 sneaks up on us and we are racing to leave for school
i make peanut butter and jelly sandwich for one
peanut butter and honey for the other
in snowman pj pants i threw on a raincoat to try and camouflage in the drop off lane
and then race upstairs to my distraught child who still can't seem to find a pair of socks from pile of clean clothes
as i am exiting the door in my red and purple chevron socks
i am asking myself 'what am i doing'
'how do i think i could do this'
my mind was immediately filled with the thought
which i recognized as wise and divine
'you are going through a lifestyle change'
'give yourself some grace'
wow i was so grateful for those thoughts
with an immediate change of mood and big sigh of grace i hopped in my daddy's car to rush the kids to the school gate before it locks
i am going through a lifestyle change
and in part i chose this one
to help lighten the burdens of my incredibly hard working, never complaining, duty proud and bound husband
i have been asking for some time if i could help him in providing financial assistance for our family
he has dismissed this idea every time
mainly to not have to place additional burdens upon my already weighed down shoulders
but as i have thought through this, and actually through writing it down to my friend - as so much epiphanies come- that in actuality me helping to provide for our family will make my burdens lighter in that i will be able to do something to help
i have been praying for many many months about how to help him
how to help our family
where my time is best spent
what my role is
am i to take on a new role

for now i feel like i am to
i am pressing forward with my ideas and impressions and know that if this is to be my path that things will open up for me
and if not i will be warned
i know that uneasy warning feeling well as i have shared with you about having to walk away from the wheel in pursuing a past business venture
so as my life has been thrown into a rock tumbler
you know that machine that you put jewelry or gems into to rub off all the rough edges
that is how i am feeling right now
that piece of silver that is amidst a container full of stones
new rocks
the rock of new schedules
added expectations
deadlines
new collaboration partners

thrown in along with the familiar ones that i still get hammered by
time management
cleaning routines
making dinner
feeling enough of an intentional mother
a selfless wife
round and round we go
each stone rubbing into me, shaving off a rough edge here and there

i am so grateful for the flood of strength i feel this morning
for the grace and patience i am lending myself this morning
the grace that only comes through the lifting power of my Savior
this power is familiar to me
and i pray that you will come to recognize it too
but be mindful it comes with experiences that require you needing to be lifted
i have felt him carry me many times before
i can feel so now

i am once again on a new part of my path
the scenery has changed
the destination is the same
my companions remain

i am excited to soon share with you my new scenery and path
you being here today is helping me along the way

an unhurried day: felicity is princess for a day, her birthday that is

amidst the hustle and bustle that is life

days of an unhurried nature are the fresh air of living

i am so grateful that i made a point to let Felicity's birthday be that kind of day

granted having my van's transmission go out leaving me car-less forced me to slow down 

but making her day, her day was intentional

and i am rather proud of myself for not answering email, having my post for the day scheduled previously, not feeling pressured to clean or get something domestic done

we just played and played

started the day with a little present opening

i have been saving this beautiful joyfolie dress for just such an occasion

side trip to drop of the van to the repair shop, yippee

and then a breakfast pink sprinkle donut with coco {her little doggie} and cousin abigail

later she

lounged

struggled with sharing a bit

played the keyboard demo a bigillion times

i repeatedly asked for another song but she was set on this high pitched twangy melody

later on her song requests were

niece dadidad {feliz navidad}

the twelve days of christmas {muppets edition}

gandalph style {our chosen alternative to gangnum style}

she heavily anticipated our trip to the park when her brothers got home from school

our car-less day continued with a walk/bike/scooter ride to the park

found some shade for cousin sack races

always a favorite with the kiddos

it was ridiculously too hot for March

tired jumpers needed water and rest

quite the resemblance on the cup sketches 

Owen was so proud of his game he created for Felicity

pin the wand on the princess

continuing our low key birthday with mom's sweater turned blindfold

oh, did i mention that i made cupcakes

pink ones actually

yes pigs are now flying

cupcakes and presents followed

necklace from cousins

tea set, which she now calls glass picnic, from me

i was so impressed with how dainty she was with her glass picnic set

only 2 pieces down so far

what goes up must come down

or in our case

what goes down must come up

up, up, up the hill

back home

i had a cute view huffing it though

home at last for some tea in the front lawn

wintermint anyone?

my baby is 3 and i cannot believe it

i do love how she does have some baby left in her face

although its fading fast

so happy to have had an unhurried day 

a birthday day of play

i will definitely be needing more of those on a regular basis

just the girls: disneyland through a little girl's eyes - my baby turns 3

the day i found out i was pregnant with our baby number 4 was the exact same day that we found out that Mike had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis

it is remarkable how the Lord's timing works out

that night after sitting on the sofa as Mike retold the unbelievable news that the doctor had delivered to him

i was overcome with grief and disbelief

one of the boys needed something for their class that required me to go to the store

as i drove the van, the tears came harder than ever before

i had to pull off to the side of the road for my safety

as i sat there shoulders heaving up and down and my body shaking from my sobbing

i recalled the beautiful news i had received earlier that day

we were going to have another baby

i had suffered a miscarriage recently and so the thought of losing another one due to stress that i was perhaps inflicting upon this new spirit from this emotional breakdown caused me to pull myself together

for this little life

living for another's life saved me from collapsing with agony

in the months ahead i continued to believe that i would have another little boy

i love my boys

i adore my boys

but my yearning for a girl began to emerge as i thought about mike's condition and the future that lay ahead

my most intimate thoughts and prayers revealed to my Father in Heaven a desire for a baby girl

not for typical reasons

i wanted a girl so that together we would be able to take care of Mike in the future

its not to say that my boys would not attend to their father whom they love dearly

but there is just something unique about a daughter's love and care for her father

three years ago today my little baby girl arrived into my arms

Felicity

a word meaning happiness and bliss

Felicity Gail

although i had had an ultrasound that revealed that this baby was a girl

i harbored doubts throughout the remainder of my pregnancy

after the delivery my first question was 'is it a girl?'

yes, it was sweet baby girl

i have thoroughly enjoyed having another girl in the house

i tell you after 3 boys it has been a completely different world

one that i have had to allow myself to embrace

i would consider myself girlie but not to the extent of some

in the beginning when her personality began to show through, i had to embrace the fact that felicity loves princesses, tutus, and pink

now i find it endearing

though i still find myself trying to reel some of it into my control

offering red over pink

a red headband over a pink jeweled crown

or a navy and white striped dress over a sequined ball gown 

its growing on me 

and how could it not when its dressing up that little face and self

and when she twirls and sings and dances with delight

Felicity is rather independent and strong willed

which actually describes every one of my children

but she is unique in being the baby and the only girl

Daddy's surely not going to mind

he is wrapped around her little finger

there are many events that occurred last year which due to the difficult events

did not get posted here on my blog

i regret that

but don't see how it could have been prevented

what i do want you to know was that amongst the difficulty we still sought out and found joy

one such event was

felicity and i heading to disneyland just the two of us

it was a completely new experience for me

seeing the park through the eyes of a little girl

we paused at places that we would have normally walked straight by with all of the boys

flowers

the princess castle

the princesses themselves

anything pink

we made our way to Snow White's wishing well

this little visit to hear the sweet song of Snow White sparked one of my most favorite habits of Felicity's 

the singing of the wishing song

a-ha-ha-ha-ha    a-ha-ha-ha-ha

i'm wishing    i'm wishing

for the one i love

it is seriously one of the most adorable things i have ever witnessed

our day was delightful

with the addition of her cousin

we headed out to see the princesses

something she continues to talk about every single day

which makes standing in line for literally two hours worth it

and i have come around to embrace the princess phase

blue sequined ball gown and all

for i know it won't last for long

those little toes will be trying on high heels soon enough

happy birthday baby girl

you've brought fairytale magic into our home

will you join me in making baby blankets: 35 for 35 years

a little bundle

a precious perfect soul wrapped up in a soft sweet blanket

here is my baby girl, Felicity Gail, just days old

tomorrow she turns 3

a little girl she becomes but forever my baby she will be

imagine a newborn babe and most often a receiving blanket is somewhere in the picture

receiving blankets to give them security and comfort in this big, new world 

for our sewing class this month 

i would like to invite you to join me in making receiving blankets for newborns born at our local hospital

the place we would like to imagine as one where only life begins

but we know that that is not the case

for such is the circle of life

this hospital is the one which we frequented so often those many, many months with my Daddy

this hospital is where we said goodbye

i am grateful for so many caring doctors and nurses

and this is an opportunity for me to give back

on the eve of my 35th birthday {yep, you heard that right...yes, i'm feeling it}

i will be hosting our sewing class with a goal of making 35 baby blankets with your help

i will be championing a local Boy Scout, Landon Brewer, who has chosen for his Eagle Scout Project to make and donate 200 blankets to one of our local hospitals by April 1st

here he is delivering the first blankets that he made to these appreciative nurses

he says:

i decided to make receiving blankets for a local hospital because i love babies...i chose to do this because my sisters both had to give the hospital receiving blankets back when they checked out.  one nurse even took it off the baby in the parking lot!...yes, i have made some myself, three so far, my first sewing experience. yes, they are that easy!  if you would like to help me by making one or more please do!

well landon, we would like to help you collect 35 more blankets for your project

this is the perfect beginner's project if you are just starting out

or if you are a veteran come help me whip some of these up

join heather and i

at my home

my 35th birthday eve

to make 35 baby blankets

March 19th

6:30 - 9:30 pm open house style

leave a comment below with your email address and i will contact you with my address and directions

bring 

your machine

two yards of baby flannel - washed and dried - can be two coordinating prints or the same on both sides

thread - matching or contrasting

beginner's don't be afraid

i will help you out step by step

be apart of something that will warm your heart and the body of a sweet newborn

there are so many of us who are blessed and showered with gifts as we welcome our own into this world

but others may not be so fortunate

and being able to leave the hospital with a soft blanket of their new child's very own will show them that the world is a good place

full of lots of people who give and love

won't you join me