Sunday, January 13, 2013

acceptance is just out of my grasp

while i have been mending and feeding my soul over this past while,
some other parts of me have frayed and morphed into someone else
in some ways i miss me
i miss things that i once was
or at least i perceived myself to be
things i took pride in being
my mom keeps telling me to give myself grace
that this has been a rough year and that my situation is difficult, 
and that once i’ve accepted it, then my joy will be greater
oh how wise she is
but how do i finally give in to acceptance 
when it seems like i’d be giving up
the ‘it’ i am referring to is not in regards to my daddy being gone
the magnitude of that trial continues to manifest itself in my life daily
and although i know that i will see him again,
my heart aches for him to hold me and tell me in a way only daddy can that i need to stop ‘stressing’ and that hard and unexpected things are just all a part of life
that may sound unfeeling, but it wasn’t at all
he wanted me to be happy, above all else, happy
and he knows that i can’t be happy when i worry about things i can’t control
boy, how many times i heard him say that
and oh how he would say it in such a kind and gentle way, never harsh or condescending
the ‘it’ is the fact that my husband is sick and i hate that i can not control his disease
oh and i know that hate is such a strong word
{one we do not use in our house}
but i hate it
his unrelenting pain he suffers so greatly
his self-imposed guilt he carries
his sleepless nights due to immense pain
his struggle to get out of bed in the morning and then up at any other time in the day
his deprivation of some of his fulfilling hobbies and dreams, our dreams
but oh how i love
his optimism he holds ever so high
his unyielding will power to get up...and put one foot in front of the other
his faith in the awareness of his Father’s eyes upon him and His hand in the health that remains
his love for his family that keeps the smile on his face as well as his hands on the car wheel as he drives off to work

i do not say this to embarrass him, as i’m sure i am doing
i only say these things to praise him
he loves our life together, all of us, and he never ever thinks of himself as being deprived, but sees things in such a more grand perspective than i
he is disappointed when i see only what is lacking
and i’m trying oh i’m trying to be as good as he is
and some days i get closer than others
it has been nearly four years and i still have not reached a complete acceptance that he is sick and will only continue to get more sick and conventional medicine is not our path
i just haven’t quite let go of what i thought our life would be together now and in the years ahead
i have not accepted that this could be what God would want for us, what He would want for him, such suffering
but Mike sees his life in such a beautiful light
he sees the blessing of walking and moving about with his body full of innumerable scars 
he sees the empathy he has acquired for others and their trials
he sees the compassion 
he sees the humility
he sees the can-dos

i am eternally grateful for his courage, for his faith, for his peace he has with his disease
and especially, that despite his own suffering, he is carrying me as well
he is carrying me in the midst of my defiance, my frustration, my denial
i am creating great resistance with these dragging feet of mine
and its not fair of me to do it any longer
i long to embrace God’s will for him
but i am scared as to what that will entail
i pray that i may be lifted to the task, to be the wife of this man who shines forth with the testimony of Christ’s infinite power and strength
i pray that i may give up my expectations, my dreams of what i thought would be, for the stirrings of God-like qualities that may take their place inside of me as they have in him
oh how i pray

fifteen years i have been by his side and i keep reminding myself of what the prophet of the Lord has said, 'the future is as bright as your faith'
as i look back on photos of us together i know that to be true...
our future is as bright as our faith and our love

{to read more about our journey with MS click here}


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