Hope Works

 

oftentimes the things that we repeatedly think about and the things we repeatedly say 

become who we are and what others remember about us

a photo of my daddy sits by my home monitor 

his soft gaze looks at me as i work in the wee hours of the night and early morning

oh how i wish i could talk to him in person

but the words i hear my daddy say to me in my mind are the words i heard him say so often

words of counsel

words of encouragement

words of love

but so very often the words of hope

my father was a spiritual man who drew strength and wisdom from the words of the scriptures 

that lucky for me he passed on to his family

one of my favorite things i heard my daddy teach about was hope

my father's adopted definition of hope was an "earnest expectation"

taken from one of my most beloved chapters in scripture, Romans 8 verse 19 

and Philippians 1:20

an earnest expectation

in an address at a conference of women Lisa Valentine Clark said

'when we don't know where to begin, we begin with hope.  hope has the power to change our attitude.  hope sometimes comes from our actions and sometimes comes through inner feelings."

we begin with hope

with earnest expectation of a change in how you feel or a change in an outcome

earnest can be defined as 'resulting from or showing sincere and intense conviction'

for me this anticipation of change in nature or change in situation 

must be coupled with a sincere and intense conviction in God's loving nature and his work and his glory

"to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man"  (Moses 1:39)

which can only come through the process of becoming

most importantly, becoming as Christ

oh the joys that come

but oh the pain and the strife

no one is exempt

which means that we are each others' learning material and experts on how to find hope

we have all felt it sometime in our life 

we have felt of its transformative power

its sustaining power

its restful power

because of this universal reality of the state of man

to learn, to grow, to be stretched, to rise, to fall, to find peace, to feel despair, to find rest, to find joy

it is my firm belief that we each must speak up and

"be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you"

(1 Peter 3:15)

we must share our stories of hope

even if we are in the middle of it

even if we have not seen the light yet

we can speak of the light in our hearts

our speaking can spark a hope in the hearts of someone else

it doesn't need to be on a public platform

you just need to have an open and willing heart 

that if the opportunity presents itself in speaking to another in need 

that you will be ready to share your story and give an answer for the reason for your hope

your sharing may just be showing them where they can begin

it has been my honor to learn from so many in my life through the sharing of their stories

through my podcast The LifeBeats Project I have been continually amazed 

at the willingness of my guests and my community members so many to share their journeys for the benefit of others

i continually seek out opportunities to hear from the brave ones willing to share

recently i was able to attend a brilliant and inspirational TED talk like event called

Hope Works

put on by the Mormon Channel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

in which 6 speakers shared their life experiences and insights of how they feel hope and love

particularly through the light of the Savior Jesus Christ

as i listened to 

the honest and real feelings of a struggling mother trying to feel enough

a paralyzed equestrian vaulter trying to understand who she now was after her accident

a mother trying to explain what it feels like to see life in a whole new way after losing her child

a man trying to find purpose in his career and what he could do that would truly matter

a relationship coach learning from one of his patients of the pain of scars and on how healing can begin

and a man's enlightened experience of learning globally from people of other religions and background

i was filled

there was no podium, no screen, no barrier between them and myself

it was if they were speaking just directly to me

i could feel their pain 

but oh could i feel their joy

there is a power in hearing others' stories

those LifeBeats inside of us connect with the LifeBeats within their story

those core desires within us all

to feel loved, to want to serve, to want to reach our potential, to be understood, to want to feel needed, to want to feel that what we are doing and how we are living has meaning

if you are in need of a little hope

i invite you reach out to someone you love, someone you admire, a place of inspiration 

and hear how others have found hope in their lives

i invite you to hear the stories of the inspiring guests of my podcast The LifeBeats Project

you can even listen to one of the speakers from the event Hope Works that i attended over on YouTube

friends make hope an earnest expectation in your lives

draw on the stories and strength from others

root your sincere anticipation of that rest, peace, and joy that will come in our Savior Jesus Christ

for hope lives

hope conquers

and hope works 

when have you felt hope in your life?  how did you find it?

why you should write stuff down

i get it

some of us made it through college vowing to never write another thing

some of us wonder what is so special about our life and thoughts that we should record any of it
some of us feel like we just don’t know where to start

but i’m here to tell you that writing down the experiences you traverse will be one of the most cherished possessions of your life
truly all of us have gone through something in our life that was hard, that was stretching, that was building
and it should be documented 
if for no one else, but for your future self
because as we all know hard stuff doesn’t just come around once in our lifetime
the likelihood of us battling difficult events in our future life is certain
and there is nothing quite like rereading your own words telling you
that thing was hard
that thing tore you up
but you made it through
and here’s how you did it

you will now know that you can get through this new thing too

i declare to you that any effort you make to throw your words down on “paper” will be of tremendous value to you
time after time i have revisited my own words 
words which seem so wise and couldn’t have possibly come from me
but they did

writing is a form of clarity
a clearing away of the fog of the heavy circumstance and channeling a crisp communication that lends to perspective
whether you believe in God or not
writing is a tool that is given to us to still our busy lives and allow us to listen
listen to yourself 
and listen to God’s Spirit

i am so grateful tonight to have come across a blog post i wrote back in march 26, 2012
entitled
for the days i just can’t get out of bed
this post included part of a speech i gave to a large body of women in my church
these words were the clarity and comfort i needed today

"I am grateful to a loving and merciful Heavenly Father who provided me with an opportunity to speak so that I could be still, and sit and reflect on the lessons that He was asking me to learn when I just didn’t think I could be stretched any more.  Who’s gift to me of the Holy Ghost brought to my mind in just that instant the words of one of my favorite quotes from the ever eloquent apostle of the Lord, Elder Neal A Maxwell, from his powerful book “The Promise of Discipleship”

Even if and when we seem to have squeezed out the last full measure of our devotion, an omniscient and perfectly empathic God not only knows the difficulties through which we have passed and are passing but also knows if any residue of unused devotion still remains to further the process!

Heavenly Father knows what we are capable of and of our potential for greatness - He knows our heart, He is our creator, He sees our life, He sees it in its complete form.  He knows what we are to become.  And through his wisdom and mercy He will utilize any residue of unused devotion to refine us and raise us to levels of faith and testimony that we didn’t even know we were capable of.

I pray that these thoughts will continue to bring comfort, peace and joy to me

even, and especially, on those mornings I just don’t feel like getting out of bed.

Being stretched is hard and flat out painful.  Naturally, I desire the easy route; whether that be the least work, pain, or thought.
Let us be careful that we do not resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature - whatever form they may come in: whether it is someone, a health issue, an unyielding obstacle, our own weakness, or the absence of something or someone in our life.


Elder Paul Johnson spoke directly to me in his April 2011 General Conference address. 

Sometimes we want to have growth without challenges and to develop strength without any struggle.  But growth cannot come by taking the easy way out.  We clearly understand that an athlete who resists rigorous training will never become a world-class athlete.  We must be careful that we don’t resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature.

Oftentimes my trials and struggles blind me, they are that pebble that I have held up to my eye that prevents me from seeing beyond it.  I have had a beautiful and blessed life and I allow fear to take over in imagining the tolls disease may take on my Daddy and my husband and what our life together may become.  I find myself like Lot’s wife looking behind because she could not imagine that her future could have been better than her past.  If there is anyone who we can look to on this earth for optimism, it is our dear living prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Pres. Thomas S. Monson who proclaimed in his closing testimony in the April 2009 General Conference, 

The future is as bright as your faith

I would encourage each of you to turn to writing as you travel along your journey, especially during times of difficulty. It does not need to be published or for others to see, simply in the act of recording your experiences your eyes will be open and you will gain a grander perspective as you create a moment of quietude that can allow the Spirit to work through you.  I can not count the number of times that I have felt compelled to write about a struggle in my life, only to have the love of my Heavenly Father communicated to my heart through putting the words down on a page.  They have also served as an invaluable source for comfort and strength as I return to reread what I have passed through. "

friends
you will not know today, or tomorrow, or perhaps even a year down the road if what you write today will become just the words you will need
for that is only a portion of the treasure
writing will bring a sense of clarity and gratitude to your life right now that may be exactly what you need
so tonight 
just write some stuff down
and feel the power of your words

wherever i go: saying goodbye at daddy's grave

this morning in the midst of dashing about
i found myself near daddy's cemetery
i knew i had to take a moment to say goodbye

i pulled up to the gates i had visited so often
a place i had found to bring solace
whether i could experience solitude in thought
or wrangling kids running between hedges
i have found joy and peace there time after time
especially in those moments of sorrow and yearning to hear his voice

as i walked into that cemetery this morning
tears streaming down my cheeks
something most important occurred
a truth was reconfirmed to me that i had experienced first hand over this past year
and it came again this morning
but in the voice of my father
as i stood over his grave

briana i am not here
i can be wherever you are
that peace and comfort you desire will be yours no matter where you go
you don't need to cry anymore
i know you have lots to do
so go and do them

oh my daddy, forever giving wise counsel
i felt a love fill my entire being
and i felt the truth of those words

i know from the depths of my soul that there is life beyond the grave
do i know all of the details of how and what
no, but i don't need to
i know my father lives
for i have felt his presence and i have heard his voice
families are eternal through the grace and power of Jesus Christ
and the sacred ordinances of His Holy Temple
this i know to be true
and this i will carry with me
or in fact, it will carry me
wherever i go

{a world of good} your own reflection

what do you see when you look in the mirror
does your reflection match how you feel
do you ever gaze into a face that couldn’t be your own
that’s not me
you peer ahead expecting to see yourself in a younger light 
or perhaps at a time in your life you felt most productive, successful, or happy

the goal would be to look at our reflection and see us for good that we find in ourselves now 
that very day
in that very moment
relishing in what those past events have made us today

but i think we have all experienced that longer than typical stare at that face ahead
reminiscing on your past appearance
your past lives
wondering how you got to be here

as this disease continues to take its toll on my husband
and as i think of the young age at which my daddy left this life
it has caused great introspection on my life and what i am making out of it
time seems to have compressed for me
my future self doesn’t seem so far away
who am i becoming now?
no longer can i think of aging as just a passage of time
taking you further away from what we might consider our prime
aging is a gift
a gift some are not afforded

the incredibly talented photographer tom hussey created a touching photography series called reflections
in which he portrays the elderly as they gaze upon their younger selves reflected in the mirror
after seeing these i knew i wanted to feature them as part of my
a world of good features
such beauty and grace portrayed in this photo series
truly no words needed

the emotion they evoke may be different for everyone
some may experience happiness, gratitude, or fulfillment
others regret, longing, or failure
but reflect
take a moment to see these through the eyes of your parent, your grandparent, your ailing friend, your kind neighbor
or perhaps yourself

what do you see when you gaze into that mirror?

what feelings are conjured up?

how do you view your past and what have you learned from it?

can we truly see the passage of time as a gift?

my hope would be yes

on the count of three: a photo essay of our day remembering daddy

this past weekend marked the one year anniversary of my daddy's passing

as you can imagine the thought of this day arriving lay heavy on my heart

the feelings of loss i had experienced over the year compounded into one single day

we decided as a family, on the recommendation of those who have also experienced great loss in their lives, to create traditions that we could do together to celebrate our love for him

husband, father, and grandpa

our day was full

full of tears

full of laughter

full of memories

full of longing

full of gratitude

details of the day one year ago have been burned in my mind forever

imagining as if i was there again

as i fought and sobbed not wanting to step out of that ICU door,
not wanting to leave my Daddy there
not knowing what to do, how to live by taking one step out of that door
how do i greet people
how do i go to the store
how do i tell my children

Mike took me by the hands and told me to look at his face
oh his sweet and tender face with power in strength and faith behind those gentle blue eyes
and he said, 'one step'

and then together arm in arm with my sisters and mom

took that one step

and then another and another

and that is how i have lived this year

one step at a time

day after day

month after month

this day was a day to share our love for my daddy

and remember what we cherished most about having him here with us

we started off with a saus-cake breakfast 

pancakes grandpa style

we then took time to write letters to grandpa that we would attach to white balloons

i loved the kids sweet messages

"i miss you so much that i wish i was with  you" tate

"i love and miss you so much! i just want to give you a big hug" owen

when we arrived at the cemetery someone had been there already and decorated his gravesite with flowers and lollipops

at the cemetery we passed out all the messaged attached balloons

and on the count of three

1-2-3

we let them go

up

up

up toward heaven

i was not prepared for the rush of emotion that would accompany letting that balloon go

sending my love and my heart up into that vast blue sky

watching it climb

wishing in my childhood desire that somehow that balloon would find my daddy

and he would read my words and feel my love

i am grateful for my knowledge of God's plan that will enable me to be in my daddy's embrace once again

i have put together a photo essay for you capturing the beauty of our day

to experience firsthand the love, the longing, and the triumph of hope

if you have a memory of my father you would like to share

we would love to hear it

thank you all so much for your outreach of support and care over this past year

one year without him

oh my life without him

can it be a year

an entire year

without him here with me

i just want to curl up next to him on the sofa and be wrapped up in his arms

and have him kiss my head

and hear his laugh

i want to feel the unparalleled security that i felt being with him

and yet i know that has been a lesson that every single one of my family members has had to learn

to feel that same security without him here

as much as i learned about the nature of my Heavenly Father from the character, love, and actions of my own earthly Father

i have had to depend on my Heavenly Father more than i ever had before now that my daddy is not here to lean on

one of the most difficult moments in my life was watching my daddy lay in his hospital bed with his oxygen mask on, unable to speak to me

he was there

i was there

but we couldn’t converse

that had never happened to me in all my life

my father was always present, always available for me to talk to 

that was the sort of relationship he worked hard to foster with us

and one i cherished and came to depend on

mike would always tease me that even though he would give me the same advice, i wouldn’t believe it fully until it came from my daddy

amazingly their advice seemed to always coincide

i married a very wise man

being completely separated from my daddy physically has caused such heaviness upon my soul, a longing, a yearning i have never experienced

and yet knowing that he lives on has brought the greatest clarity of existence that i could not have discovered any other way

to live each day knowing that there is someone you love so deeply that continues to live on passed this earthly death

to know and feel it with every fiber of your being

that he lives

brings a life of overwhelming peace even in the midst of your sorrow and longing

that reassurance also comes when i can feel him near

when i can hear as if from his own mouth

words of encouragement

when i can close my eyes and see his face 

and hear his laughter

yet there are those moments when the separation seems unbearable and so unfair
and so lengthy
when i'd rather just have him there beside me instead of peace from afar
when i think of what he has missed already in a year, what he will miss in my future and the lives of my children 
when i think i just can't make a decision not knowing his advice
when i miss his silly dance, his falling asleep mid conversation on the sofa, his squinty eyed laugh, his shortness with uncooperative collapsable chairs, the way he held my children on his shoulder, his rush hour phone calls
oh how do i live without all of that
what if i forget what his voice sounds like
what if my children forget how they used to play with papa and how much he loved them
what if i get used to him being gone
what if i stop talking to him out loud as if he can hear me

today my mother in law shared with me part of a message from our past general conference of our church

this man spoke of how even though his father had passed away more than ten years ago, 

“i can still hear his voice, sense his love, enjoy his encouragement, and feel his acceptance”

this is what i want to experience

his voice, his love, his encouragement, his acceptance

always

thank you dear friends for your continued support throughout this year

i have grown closer to so many of you through your deeds of kindness, words of encouragement, and expressions of prayer

as one of my daddy's favorite quote says

thank you for helping to meet the needs of my family this year

i pray that i may be the hands of heaven to you in return

to read more about my daddy and his battle with bone marrow cancer as well as my trudge through grief and living without him click here
to read what i have learned on how to help your children through the loss of a loved one click here

dear briana: daddy's letter

yesterday i ached so much for my daddy
it seems unreal that i have lived without him here for almost a year
without his continued counsel
without his laugh
without his commute home phone calls
without his soft hair
without his voice calling my name

i just wanted to feel him close to me
immediately upon hearing the song below
'grace' by david tolk
i am with him in my mind



as i shared in my answers to my interview here
whenever i hear this beautiful piano piece, i am immediately transported to being a little girl once again
holding hands with my daddy
the nostalgic notes cast images in my mind's eye and i can imagine my life as a child being played back as if on a reel of projector film with those lines streaming down it, no voices just this song
just a little girl running and playing with her father
i can not refrain from crying each time i listen to it
oh how i miss holding his hand
and more than anything hearing his voice

after listening to this song yesterday
i needed more
i needed to hear him call my name
i began watching a beautifully powerful tribute video that my sister in law Kelli and cousin Brandon made for all of us to watch at the funeral services
i have not watched it in nearly a year
on it there is a section devoted completely to daddy and i, as was the case with all of my siblings
but in the very beginning of my video chapter
i can hear daddy calling my name
briana
briana
i run up to him and show him my newly chipped teeth
'i chipped my teeth at 7-11, i can't talk good' i say
i can still remember the feeling of my daddy swooping me up in both of his arms and carrying me out of that silly 7-11 after i tripped and knocked out my two front teeth
i remember feeling safe
i always felt safe with daddy around

i wonder often how much of my life he can see
how often he is by my side
does he see me crying and missing him so much
does he yearn to wipe my tears away and let me know how near he really is
what does he want me to know
what does he want to say to me
i listen closely to hear him whisper to me
and sometimes i can hear his voice speaking to my heart
just as in the unbelievable letter he wrote to me my freshman year in college at a time i was very ill
through one of the greatest tender mercies of my life, i found it just prior to the funeral service and read it as part of my tribute to dad
the greatest words i could have said that day were not my words at all, but his
written in his own handwriting
his words to me then are as if he were writing to me today

dear briana,
well, i guess this is probably the biggest problem of having you away from home and being sick.  it is a helpless feeling for a parent to not be able to help.  i imagine it is probably pretty lonely trying to cope with this illness by yourself.  i realize rachel is a big help but there is nothing like family around and being at home.

i changed pens since the other was running out of ink.  i feel bad that your beginning at BYU has had some negative occurrences.  i guess we can't have everything perfect all of the time.  we have to have the bad so we can appreciate the good in life.

briana don't worry about getting behind.  all you can do is your best and if circumstances don't allow you to perform to your satisfaction you have to accept it.  you can make up for it later. you are there to learn many things like: relationships, who you are, how well do you cope in adversity, how can you help others around you, and most importantly to develop a greater awareness of  your relationship with God and Christ.  don't forget they are always with you and know your needs.

i sure do miss you and think about you every day.  i remember when i was there and helps me to know that you are having a great time.  you will learn so many things while you are there and you will treasure your experience.

keep your chin up as they say.  don't get discouraged about the things you can't change.  they may be taxing now but won't last forever.

i love you very much and can't wait to see you.
love Dad

memorial day games: some serious outside family fun

one of our family’s most talked about and anticipated events of the year is our

this year marked 7 years of this marvelous tradition 

something that parents and kids alike look forward to each year
click here and here for some early years of the games
how quickly our children grow

our games are played as individual and collective teams
but don’t think for one minute that this is just for fun
not in this family
there is a point system and score board to track each event
there are reputations to preserve, championships to protect, and a coveted trophy to win

due to daddy’s health conditions and all that surrounded our family situation for the past couple of years, our games went undocumented here on the blog.  

i’d like to highlight briefly some of my favorite moments from each game over the past many years

not even losing a shoe could slow grandpa down

without breaking hands

how quickly can you send your hula hoop around the circle

this simple game of balance and getting extremely squished

is quite fun to play and watch

see how many folds of your blanket you can get and still fit all of your teammates on top

well if you ever thought we might have been a normal family

you'll surely change your mind now

hose head has got to be the favorite of all the games

simple concept really

be the last man standing with your panty hose on your head, ha

each person is given a stocking with a sock inside the end

to put on their head

no where in the rules does it state that you must put it over your face

that just kind of happened

a. out of strategy so that it will remain on your head longer

b. everyone loves seeing each's other faces smashed inside them

object of the game is to run around and grab the hose off of someone else's head

winner is the last hose head standing

i didn't make this up, really

i found the game here

this has to be the most collision prone game of the bunch

last year poor Jani sprained her ankle in a fierce hose head battle

but it is certainly the most fun to play

and definitely the most entertaining to watch

did i say water balloon toss

what i meant to say was water fight

winners of the games earn bragging rights for the year

and the coveted 'ta-dah' trophy

the name is a play on a little inside family lingo

i have been blessed to have the most amazing family

who loves to do things together

traditions are essential to a family culture

and continuing on with family traditions since my daddy has passed has been such an essential part of the grieving/healing process

they are an important way to hold on to memories and continue to draw closer as a family unit

and what better way to celebrate the day of remembrance

than continuing on with something my daddy cherished

family time

family fun

and of course in our family we will raise the flag, and always remember