i'm sailing

learning how to sail has been a dream of mine since i was a teen
being on the water and feeling that breeze on your face
feeling the power of the rushing wind propelling you forward
as well as the lull of tranquility produced by the bobbing of the boat and sounds of the breaking water
there is nothing quite like it
alas i have not yet learned to sail
not having my own boat may place a damper on such dreams
but i jumped at the chance to experience sailing after a 

one of the many perks of homeschooling is that you are in charge of the particulars of the lessons as well as the field trips to enhance such subjects
during the planning period for early exploration for social studies
i wondered if san diego had a program for young explorers
indeed they did,
aboard the Californian
a replica of a gold rush era revenue cutter and the official tall ship of the state of california
i was going to make my owen's dream a reality
the date was set for our sailing adventure

we boarded this breathtaking schooner

setting off for a four hour adventure sail

put on by the Maritime Museum of San Diego

owen and i were happily to have my mom accompany us for our field trip

class size of 3

once aboard the crew gave our instructions and we were off into the harbor

being an interactive experience i was able to help haul a line

to help raise the majestic sails

owen opted out and i was happy to take his place

watching the ship's glory unfold was perhaps one of my favorite parts of our sail
what an exhilarating experience for those fearless crew members to climb high on the rigging above the sea below to set and furl her final sails
oh how i wished i could have been alongside us just for a moment to have witnessed her in all of her full splendor
it was in a way torturous to imagine what we must have looked like in full sail to the neighboring vessels, not to have seen it myself
but being aboard and experiencing the beauty of the experience surpassed my need to observe from afar

one of owen's favorite portions of our sailing adventure

was learning about the early explorations in san diego and the history of sailing

particularly about the gunnery

and that if you used the word 'cannon' to describe the guns, the crew would throw you overboard

he enjoyed the gun salute towards the end of our adventure

boy was it loud

being out on the open water brings a peace that i crave

one that transforms me into a state of relaxation

an extreme challenge for this mind and body that is constantly in motion

being able to experience this with my son and my mother will be one of those moments you strive to lock into the vault of your memory to never forget

at the conclusion of our incredible sailing adventure

owen asked me to go from experiencing one of my dreams

to suffering through one of my greatest nightmares

going on a submarine

lets just say i would die from hysteria and hyperventilation if i ever had to be on there for an extended period of time

this highly claustrophobic mama has refused to go on the finding nemo ride at disneyland

after being traumatized as a child when it was the plain old submarine ride

i can still remember the anxiety i felt being enclosed in that thing

i even go into sudden attacks when i get my arm stuck between furniture and the wall when i have to plug something in

mike thinks its hilarious and curiously seems to need my perfect sized arms to plug in his computer often

above water carried by the wind = dreamy perfection

below water encapsulated in a small space = absolute terror

well i toughed it out and ventured through its tight quarters

i think i held my breath the entire time

owen was in heaven with all of the equipment creating swirling imaginings in his mind of their purpose

...i wonder what this does...how does this work...why is this here...

the mind of my little engineer

we concluded with a tour of the vast star of india

this was by far the best field trip i had ever been on

how often are dreams fulfilled through a field trip

what are your dreams?

what has been the most exciting field trip you've been on?

up those rocky steps

my two week sabbatical from everyday life is drawing to a close
i am excited to soon share with you a few of the highlights of my trip
this morning however, i wanted to share one that has shone brightly
the support that Mike has received
it has been a tremendous blessing, particularly for him, to be surrounded by his family and to hear their expressions of love and support
he needs to hear and experience that
and in person is the most impactful way
face to face
tear matched with tear
Owen continues to rise to the occasion and role of supporter
the majesty of my brother and sister-in-laws house
pales in comparison to the love and valor my son shows as he helps his dad up those rocky steps to the entrance
i was so happy to have captured this tender moment with my iPhone
being gone from home for this long has had its challenges
but the blessings we have received whilst being here far outweighs them all

one word wednesday: today

TODAY

these are the todays that make all the labors of life worthwhile
the miracle of life breaths a sweet and convincing reminder of its grandeur all bundled in the form of a beautiful newborn babe
little Sawyer arrived to bring joy and heavenly peace to my sister Vanessa and her husband Josh
i felt privileged to enter into this realm of love and wonder

it was eleven years today that i became a mom

a feeling of being made complete in a way i never expected or felt possible

a feeling of tranquility and joy overwhelming my whole being

i held my darling baby boy and for the first time felt a glimpse of how much i am loved by my Heavenly Father

these past eleven years have been a time of tremendous growth for both mother and son 

especially over the past year

i am so grateful for the young man Owen is becoming

our past events of difficulty is molding him into a compassionate and caring man

love you my little daydreamer

my inventor

my engineer

my sensitive soul

joining me today in one word wednesday 

is the lovely jenna from jenna lou designs

she is experiencing tremendous growth in her business 

one she is grown from the ground up

and has blossomed from her consistent nourishment and dedication

@molscopey / @flyersgirl436 / @shansummer / @simplycathi / @4handfuls / @mandybphotos

i loved seeing the variety of photos this week

each a testament to the growth they see in their own world

thank you so much for everyone who participated

One Word Wednesday is a simple photo challenge intended to tie friends together and inspire anyone and everyone to document the everyday beauty in the world around them. Please join us every Wednesday, sharing a photo that celebrates a scene from your life on your blog and/or instagram. Each word will be announced one week in advance to give you time to think on and capture an image that celebrates that particular word. Be sure to leave a link or add hashtag #onewordwednesday and @briana6 to your photos, so that we can all share in the joy! Next week's word: REFLECTION!

what have you experienced today that has you stopping to take notice?

one word wednesday: pink

pink

this one really made me stretch

over time i have grown to embrace the softness of pink

or even the occasional wowsers hot pink like this chair

but as a young girl and into my adulthood i took a stand against pink

embracing all the other colors of the rainbow

pink symbolized mediocrity and conformity to me

though i wouldn't have used those words as a young girl

liking pink meant being the same as all the other girls who liked pink 

because that is what little girls were supposed to do

{and boy does my little girl}

i always prided myself on being a little different

wanting to stand out a little

not too much, just enough to be noted as different but accepted

maybe it began with being named briana

a name which at the time was very unique, which i loved

but had one downfall, i could never find it on a bike license plate or a pencil

upon finding out i was having a girl after three boys, i was thrilled

and did my best to avoid pink

but it was destined to come

because for whatever reason it is ingrained to be loved by most normal little girls

{ones who aren't worrying about individuality at the age of 5}

so it has been embraced in our home

because it is Felicity's favorite color

tutus, princess wands, pajamas, blankets...pink abounds

i have now grown up

and can enjoy the femininity that accompanies pink without feeling like i am jeopardizing my individuality

i am cracking myself up at how absurd this all is

pure absurdity: ridiculously unreasonable

Felicity's frills of pink were not what my non-pink-conformist eye was drawn to for this week

my eye was captured by the beautifully subtle pink of my boys' lips 

my handsome boys

don't forget to link up your blog and/or tag #onewordwednesday and @briana6 in instagram

can't wait to see your expressions of pink

next week's word: project

if you are new to one word wednesday be sure to click over here for a little introduction

top: Me - sweet dreams are made of these | Jessica - living the swell life
middle: Jenna - jenna lou designs | Amanda - oh my little dears
bottom: Bethany - rinse repeat | Leslie - my happily ever after

thank you to all our readers who participated in our first week of one word wednesday

looking forward to more joining us on the challenge this week

One Word Wednesday is a simple photo challenge intended to tie friends together and inspire anyone and everyone to document the everyday beauty in the world around them. Please join us every Wednesday, sharing a photo that celebrates a scene from your life on your blog and/or instagram. Each word will be announced one week in advance to give you time to think on and capture an image that celebrates that particular word. Be sure to leave a link or add hashtag #onewordwednesday and @briana6 to your photos, so that we can all share in the joy! Next week's word: PROJECT!

the morning we feared

this morning in our before school prayer Tate said
‘please bless dad that he will be able to run like he used to
and be able to have fun with us’
this tugged at my heart so much

this past weekend our family has faced things no one ever thinks that they will ever have to handle in this life, especially at such a young age
friday morning i awoke to a loud crash
and i immediately knew what it was
mike falling
i sat straight up to see Mike flat on the tile
i bolted over to him calling his name
he turned his head toward me with staggering motion wincing, blinking, and shaking
with eyes full of fear i have never seen
he had not tripped
his legs had given out and had lost feeling

every morning when he wakes up and swings his legs over the bed
he pauses then stands
thanking Heavenly Father that for another day they work
then he gets to work
every. day.
whether its his job, housework, or serving the Lord

this morning as i looked down up him laying there on the floor with soft tears running down his face
i saw this optimistic man facing a fear he had been preparing himself for every morning
i laid down on the floor, put my arm under his head, and wrapped my arms around him
together we cried
he couldn’t remember how it all had happened
he had blacked out upon hitting the tile

i told him of the inspiration he was to me
his faith
his optimism
his get to work attitude
he carries with him every day
i thrive on it

my brother and our dear friend raced over to administer a special priesthood blessing to Mike
this priesthood is the authority and power to act in God’s name here on Earth
as i listened to the words my brother spoke through the power of the Holy Ghost
of the worthiness of Mike to receive daily strength and health
a powerful sense of calmness overwhelmed my soul and remained with me the entire day despite momentary intrusions by fear and tears

these two men helped Mike to our bed
Mike refused to be carried
with all the energy he could muster up somehow one leg got in front of the other despite hanging limp, feet dragging with each attempted step
tears rolled down his face
he was very emotional and confessed that he was afraid
this was new
this had never happened before
his legs felt different
the disease was progressing much quicker than we had ever anticipated
Mike was confident that this numbness was only temporary
but that is the fear with MS
will this symptom i am experiencing disappear with the next rising sun or will it permanently remain
Mike felt like this would remedy itself
our children gathered around him, embracing him, and giving words of encouragement
oh the things my young children have seen and experienced
Owen more than any of them
he has so much more on his shoulders and heart than most ten year olds

Mike soon became his optimistic, humorous self
smiles and hope shining forth from his face
he worked on his laptop and made phone calls
i remained with him for awhile then went downstairs for something
upstairs i could hear movement, so i raced back up
to see Mike army crawling on the carpet
he needed something and wanted to be able to do it himself
never giving up
he wants to be able to do all he can now, while he can
he often responds to my offers of help that he knows that later down the road i will be doing so much more for him, so for now he wants to be able to do it while he still can

and just as Mike expected so
by the end of the day he could move his right foot and his left pinky toe
on Saturday he reassured me he would be fine alone so that we could go to the MS Walk
details which i will soon share
when we got back home, he soon army crawled to the loft to watch hockey with the boys
and later that day had received enough feeling in his right leg to be able to hobble around with help
yesterday the feeling had returned in both legs, despite extreme weakness
he conceded for the first time to use a walker and i couldn’t stop him from using it to stand as he did the dishes
this morning he deemed himself fit to go to work
miracles continue to happen before our eyes

these images of my husband laying on the floor
the fear in his tearful eyes
being helped to his bed by two strong men
crying with a quivering lip as the fear crept in
army crawling to be with my children
scooting down the stairs
crawling up the stairs
pushing a walker to clean the house
these images will be engrained in my mind and are ones i will not soon forget
yet the power of his optimism, his faith, his love, and his never-give-up and never-complain philosophy 
those things are written on my heart
and i thank my Heavenly Father that i can be tied to this courageous and valiant man forever and ever
i am humbled and inspired by him on a moment to moment basis

my deepest gratitude to all of you for your messages of encouragement, your thoughts and prayers, and offers of help as we take life one day at a time

homeschooling: i can't quit

homeschooling is not for the faint of might

i have watched homeschooling moms from a distance for many years with great respect and awe and 

crossed my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye

that i would never, ever homeschool my children

why

well, you see, one needs quite an abundance of patience to homeschool

and that's just not one of my giftings

which brings us to present

as i mentioned in my post 'slowing down and drinking it in', i decided to homeschool Owen part time this school year, two days on campus and three days at home with me

oh there have been some beautiful lightbulb moments and choirs singing 'Hallelujah'

but it has been many, many long days of push and pull, give and take, get in close and walk away

with late nights of grading, finishing science experiments, grading, and reading up on density

it has stretched every patience muscle i have and i have failed miserably many, many days

i could easily throw in the towel

i could {as i have threatened to do many times} drop him off at the local elementary school that we actually really love

so why am i doing this

why

i have reminded myself of the reasons many, many times

it was two days before school began that i received the call that there was an opening for Owen to be homeschooled part-time this year through the wonderful local charter school

mere weeks after the passing of my Daddy

after living through those weeks of experiences, i felt as if my eyes had opened to a completely new way of living

one in which i looked at difficult things as opportunities to grow

one in which i chose to make difficult choices in looking forward to how i will change

how peculiar that in still going through the greatest trials of my life, i was ready for a new one

for yes, i knew this would be a big one

i guess i had finally seen the immediate growth that i had achieved in such a small amount of time, from such a difficult thing as this has been, that somehow i welcomed more growth

as i confessed in 'a mother's plea'

i have been struggling for some time in knowing how to parent my brilliant and sensitive boy

as i reread the words i wrote, it is a miracle to me that although so many of my worries are still center stage,

the beginnings of a solution started with something i would not have suspected

something i would rather have stuck a needle in my eye than do, say, 6 months ago

but Heavenly Father knew

he knew i was ready to be stretched

he sees what i was capable of, even though i see my endless shortcomings

and it is especially hard to see your own weaknesses reflected in your child

to see them struggle with the very things you struggle with every day

and in his case, magnified to some degree

i wonder if he is like that because of me, 

either by observation and imitation

or genetics

maybe in some part

but i am beginning to see what my husband continues to repeat to me as he beckons me to be merciful with myself, 

that Owen's spirit has been this way for a very long time

my heart is open to see that just maybe, a loving Heavenly Father relinquished this dear boy into my care because He knew I would understand him and how he struggles

and in turn could empathize and lift him like others could not

oh, just a taste of what our Savior does for each of us

oh my loving Heavenly Father,

he knew that in order for me to help my son

we needed to grow together

we needed more time together

so you see, i can't stop now, i can't quit now

that's not who we are

that's not what i want to teach him

i must continue to look at this year as optimal time for growth for Owen and myself

Owen - disciple, work, optimism, confidence

Me - to become the mom that i thought in my pre-kids days i would be, for i thought i would be so much better than i am

Me - patient, calm, organized, fun, but mostly patient and calm

as there continue to be good and bad days

i must place these desires for him in front of my own

that is very difficult, being such a selfish being

but in my case, this is what motherhood encompasses for me at this time

and i pray, oh i pray that i am enough for my son

my sweet Owen.

Ode to the little tikes slide

O little tikes slide, O little tikes slide
how you will be missed
your triangular form of up and down have supported the weight of four happy growing children
until that last climb was just one too many

you have been a rocket ship
an ice cream stand
a clubhouse
a jet ski
a bridge over hot lava
a pirate ship barricade
a ski slope
a puppet theater
just to name a few

your angular goodness the source of many 'whee's and 'woo-hoo's
{and occasionally 'boo-hoo's but we'll forgive those due to your demise}
your bright red and blue a reminder of childhood carefree at its best
the rush of that downward gravity on your 3 foot drop

you have moved with us from desert to mountain and back again
many a eight times
as i see you in that recycling bin
a part of my children's childhood goes with you

may you be recycled into my next market bag
so that our paths will cross again

Piano and the Wolf

owen and eyan began taking piano lessons this past summer.

they loved it right from the start.

it was something they could see the results of their work right away.

dots on paper, matching keys on a piano, turning into a recognizable tune.

i can't lie, it has been a lot of work, for all of us...

an extreme exercise in patience and persistence,

but i have to say that the fruits of it have been delicious.

confidence, concentration, perseverance,

to hear music played in our home is gratifying...even if its 'twinkle, twinkle little star'.

they performed in their first recital this past week at the home of their ever-so patient and accommodating  teacher Janine Williams.

it was a delightful occasion, hearing so many young children demonstrate their love of music through their piano pieces.

eyan played "up on the rooftop" as a duet with his teacher

owen..."you're a mean one, mr. grinch" {one of grandpa's favorites}

neither of them glanced up at their music

both of them expressed being nervous, but played calmly

i was a proud mother

i pray music will continue to take a starring role in our home as my boys get older

and not just from our dance parties.

music played a significant role in my childhood: with piano lessons starting in elementary school {not that you would know now}, a mother who played Vivaldi, Beethoven, Rachmaninov often, and our own family dance parties.

tonight i turned off all the lights and gathered my boys in the family room.  i had found the narrated version of 'Peter and the Wolf' on Spotify, narrated by what must be the same accent bearing englishman that i can remember as a little girl.  

there was a short period of 'moooommm, can't they talk more?'  but as they began to become involved in the story, dancing and giggles commenced, especially when mom skipped around the room.  hearing the familiar dance of the strings depicting Peter and the ominous horns of the approaching wolf quickly whisked me back in time.  

i soaked up every moment, every note, every giggle, and particularly the wide-eyed glare from Tate when the wolf 'appeared'. {he's a little cautious of coyotes and the like as of late - read his Tate-ism in the sidebar}.  i even caught Owen singing the tune later on this evening.  

love it, just love it.

Destined to play a little footie

It really was inevitable.

With a husband who was willing to stay up with the baby at 3 am to watch World Cup Soccer and who can understand Jane Austin movies without subtitles because he watches so much English Premier League 'footie', {and i guess you could factor in that he played on a soccer team clear through the early years of our marriage},  our boys were destined to play soccer.

Owen first tried his hand at it when he was four...which was very entertaining to watch.
And then...
A looooong break.
I have to say that I really struggled with wanting to hand over my family time to sports.  I, for one, would have considered myself an athlete in high school and to this day love sports and see great benefits from participating in them.  {I even met my future in-laws for the first time at a BYU Football game with my face painted blue and white.  Great first impression by the way!}  I was just scared to what it would do to our family time.  I knew it was inevitable, I just wanted to hold out for as long as I could...enjoying watching my boys with their backyard football games, cardboard clubhouses, bike rides, and living room forts that so often accompanied our late afternoons.

Owen did flag football a couple of years back and it was intense.  He really enjoyed it and was an incredible exercise in patience for everyone involved.  We did not continue on with football for my reasoning listed above...time.  Football for 9 year olds involves Tuesday through Friday practice with a game on Saturday.  No thank you!  I realize that a lot of people commit to that, but for a family of four little kids, it just would have been too much.

This year both Owen and Eyan wanted to play soccer.  They really wanted to play.  After discussing it with Mike, he completely left it up to me, knowing I would be the one taking 4 kids back and forth practice after practice, game after game. Not to mention the gear...water bottles, chair, cooler, umbrella, blanket, coloring book, crayons, and endless amounts of snacks.

One of the aspects of MS that I continually forget is the temperature sensitivity.  I always forget that temperature is a factor in the sort of activities that Mike can be around for or participate in.  His body can only function properly if it is within certain ideal temperatures, think San Diego weather, no extreme or even moderately hot or cold temperatures.  The heat factored in with long walking times to and from the field, make for a bad combination of elements for him.  This has been difficult.  Not to be able to see his sons play the game that he loves to his core.  I was grateful for the 1 game and the 1 practice that he was able to attend.

A short time after Mike was diagnosed with MS...{Mike stop reading}... he tried to give away his cleats, shin guards, and soccer socks.  It absolutely broke my heart to see them tossed in a box beside other 'unwanted' or 'unneeded' items.  I knew it had been difficult for him to realize that he could not play anymore, that as much as his mind told his legs to run, his nerves would not correctly communicate that series of motions to his muscles.  It pained me to see him try...and often fall.  Those legs that I once watched out-sprint any opponent, now faltered, stammered, gave way.  Despite these realizations, I could not let him give away his prized, worn soccer things.  I still have them hidden in my closet.

{ok Mike you can read again}

Over the season as I found myself locked into practices with the kids, being at parks instead of at home with chores, a computer, and other various distractions, I recognized that I was truly enjoying the time that I had just to be with my other children distraction free.  Time seemed to slow down for a bit instead of speed up as I thought it would.  Yes, there were plenty of crazy moments, moments of sheer shrieking and racing out the door.  And yes, our usual unstructured family time was consumed.  Any yes, I look forward to its return.  Yet, I am grateful for the snuggly of my boys on my lap under a blanket, listening to the giggles of a baby sister being pulled around on a blanket by her brothers, watching little feet scampering to kick a ball to their brother, as well as the confidence booster it has been for my older two boys from caring coaches in addition to an opportunity for them to share in the love for a game that their father prizes so much.

I have enjoyed seeing Mike get outside a little more lately to kick a little footie around with the boys.  Despite his struggles, he hasn't let that get in the way of putting a few goals past them.

{to read more about our journey with MS click here or click on the label in the right hand column}