Cloudy Day Gray Interview

everybody has cloudy days

but it's what we do with them that determine the rain or shine

I am so happy to have been a part of the Cloudy Day Interviews by Kelly of Cloudy Day Gray

in which I share some particularly stormy and cloudy days

and how I have still seen those parting rays of sunshine

even in the rain and how you can too! 

hop on over to read the full interview on Cloudy Day Gray here

photos by Amanda ARG Photography

our five year journey with Multiple Sclerosis

i was asked by a beautiful friend of mine who also has MS and is very involved with the MS Society

if i would submit Mike and our family's story for her to share

one focusing on the effect of the disease on our family and how our lives have changed because of it

i was indeed grateful for this opportunity as it gave me time to reflect on these past five years

i cannot believe it has been that long 

and yet it feels so much longer since our lives are completely different

i only had a few paragraphs to share our five plus year experience with the effects of Multiple Sclerosis on my sweet husband

i pray i did it justice

thank you for sharing in our journey

I am honored to share with you a small part of my husband and our family’s journey with Multiple Sclerosis.  The summer of ’09 found my husband Mike in a thriving career with Apple as well as the backyard soccer hero to our three small boys, when our world was turned upside down and inside out.  For three months Mike had not been able to swallow food, losing weight at an alarming rate and suffering tremendous fatigue and weakness, to say nothing of the intense worry we faced.  We had found ourselves on the trail hop from doctor to doctor looking for answers.  When the diagnosis finally came, we were stunned.  I will never forget looking across at each other that night, not knowing what to think but feeling tremendous fear and as if our future plans and expectations of our life together were slipping through our fingers. 

The passing of each year has brought one family adjustment after another, and the onset of unexpected symptoms and the loss of functions for Mike.  We have learned together as a family the effects of the disease.  As fatigue, pain, temperature intolerance increased, and taste, sight, cognition, balance, and mobility decreased, we began experiencing little losses we had not expected... 
no more backyard races with the boys, loss of stamina to prepare meals that brought him delight and stress relief, inability to watch our boys’ sports games due to hot or cold temperatures, no more walking hand in hand on a date, and so many more.  

Blessings have come as well, one in the form of a beautiful baby girl, the child we had found out I was pregnant with the exact day we received Mike’s diagnosis. One night when our little girl was very young, I left her at home with Mike before putting her to bed.  Being beyond exhausted after a long day at work, Mike did not have the strength nor the balance to carry her up our stairs.  With her in his arm he sat on the stairs and tread by tread scooted and crawled his way to the top of the stairs to put her to bed.  My heart broke when I came home, not realizing that such a simple task would be so difficult for him.

Because of his love and sense of duty as a father, husband, and provider, Mike worked for as long as he could.  Leaving his career at Apple at the age of 36 due to his worsening symptoms.  He then worked for three additional companies trying to do what he could to provide for our family.  Mike has a gift of the mind and of words.  He has a thirst for knowledge and had a photographic memory.  He was a linguist, a scriptorian, a passionate researcher, an author, a teacher, and one of the those guys that would win Trivial Pursuit on one turn.  

The most difficult of symptoms, that of drastic cognitive decline, has robbed him of so many of his gifts and pleasures.  This decline has produced emotional scarring due to his inability to provide for our family any longer or function in his roles as a husband and father as he would wish.  He suffers from confusion, memory loss, inability to concentrate or perform simple tasks, as well as absent seizures.  He is home bound while I am now the sole provider for the our family of six.  When he has moments of physical and mental strength he does what he can at home and I have had to learn to let him, despite great sacrifice on his part.  I have learned that although his suffering is audible and quite visible when he does these tasks, I must allow him to do what he can to feel he is still contributing to our family and retaining what independence he has left.

Today our children are strong, having had to learn independence as well as reliance on one another.  They are brave, they are aware, they are compassionate and protective.  God has blessed us greatly.  He makes himself known to us each and every day through the kindness of others who bring my children home from school, come visit Mike on their lunch break, wash our laundry each week, take my son to football practice, and so much more.  

Mike is my champion.  His desire to make me happy, help where he can around the house, and remain loyal to his faith while instructing our children, renews what I knew the day I married this man almost seventeen years ago, how lucky I am to be able to be by his side each and every day.  Sometimes the future is scary, sometimes we wonder how we could possibly adjust to one more thing, but we continue to put in the work and step forward in faith that we can make our life full and joyous no matter what is on the horizon.  

{to read more of our journey with Multiple Sclerosis, click here}

why you should write stuff down

i get it

some of us made it through college vowing to never write another thing

some of us wonder what is so special about our life and thoughts that we should record any of it
some of us feel like we just don’t know where to start

but i’m here to tell you that writing down the experiences you traverse will be one of the most cherished possessions of your life
truly all of us have gone through something in our life that was hard, that was stretching, that was building
and it should be documented 
if for no one else, but for your future self
because as we all know hard stuff doesn’t just come around once in our lifetime
the likelihood of us battling difficult events in our future life is certain
and there is nothing quite like rereading your own words telling you
that thing was hard
that thing tore you up
but you made it through
and here’s how you did it

you will now know that you can get through this new thing too

i declare to you that any effort you make to throw your words down on “paper” will be of tremendous value to you
time after time i have revisited my own words 
words which seem so wise and couldn’t have possibly come from me
but they did

writing is a form of clarity
a clearing away of the fog of the heavy circumstance and channeling a crisp communication that lends to perspective
whether you believe in God or not
writing is a tool that is given to us to still our busy lives and allow us to listen
listen to yourself 
and listen to God’s Spirit

i am so grateful tonight to have come across a blog post i wrote back in march 26, 2012
entitled
for the days i just can’t get out of bed
this post included part of a speech i gave to a large body of women in my church
these words were the clarity and comfort i needed today

"I am grateful to a loving and merciful Heavenly Father who provided me with an opportunity to speak so that I could be still, and sit and reflect on the lessons that He was asking me to learn when I just didn’t think I could be stretched any more.  Who’s gift to me of the Holy Ghost brought to my mind in just that instant the words of one of my favorite quotes from the ever eloquent apostle of the Lord, Elder Neal A Maxwell, from his powerful book “The Promise of Discipleship”

Even if and when we seem to have squeezed out the last full measure of our devotion, an omniscient and perfectly empathic God not only knows the difficulties through which we have passed and are passing but also knows if any residue of unused devotion still remains to further the process!

Heavenly Father knows what we are capable of and of our potential for greatness - He knows our heart, He is our creator, He sees our life, He sees it in its complete form.  He knows what we are to become.  And through his wisdom and mercy He will utilize any residue of unused devotion to refine us and raise us to levels of faith and testimony that we didn’t even know we were capable of.

I pray that these thoughts will continue to bring comfort, peace and joy to me

even, and especially, on those mornings I just don’t feel like getting out of bed.

Being stretched is hard and flat out painful.  Naturally, I desire the easy route; whether that be the least work, pain, or thought.
Let us be careful that we do not resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature - whatever form they may come in: whether it is someone, a health issue, an unyielding obstacle, our own weakness, or the absence of something or someone in our life.


Elder Paul Johnson spoke directly to me in his April 2011 General Conference address. 

Sometimes we want to have growth without challenges and to develop strength without any struggle.  But growth cannot come by taking the easy way out.  We clearly understand that an athlete who resists rigorous training will never become a world-class athlete.  We must be careful that we don’t resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature.

Oftentimes my trials and struggles blind me, they are that pebble that I have held up to my eye that prevents me from seeing beyond it.  I have had a beautiful and blessed life and I allow fear to take over in imagining the tolls disease may take on my Daddy and my husband and what our life together may become.  I find myself like Lot’s wife looking behind because she could not imagine that her future could have been better than her past.  If there is anyone who we can look to on this earth for optimism, it is our dear living prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Pres. Thomas S. Monson who proclaimed in his closing testimony in the April 2009 General Conference, 

The future is as bright as your faith

I would encourage each of you to turn to writing as you travel along your journey, especially during times of difficulty. It does not need to be published or for others to see, simply in the act of recording your experiences your eyes will be open and you will gain a grander perspective as you create a moment of quietude that can allow the Spirit to work through you.  I can not count the number of times that I have felt compelled to write about a struggle in my life, only to have the love of my Heavenly Father communicated to my heart through putting the words down on a page.  They have also served as an invaluable source for comfort and strength as I return to reread what I have passed through. "

friends
you will not know today, or tomorrow, or perhaps even a year down the road if what you write today will become just the words you will need
for that is only a portion of the treasure
writing will bring a sense of clarity and gratitude to your life right now that may be exactly what you need
so tonight 
just write some stuff down
and feel the power of your words

stepping out onto a path of peace and confidence

of all the things people can say they do not like about facebook
one thing they cannot refute is the outpouring of support you can receive in a short period of time with a reach that surpasses that of any other medium
yesterday i was overwhelmed by the show of care by so many of you
by the press of that infamous ‘like’ button
and particularly your heartfelt comments of love and concern

as i promised
i will talk in more detail about the results from mike’s appointment with his new doctor
this multiple sclerosis specialist with his own multiple sclerosis clinic
as you can imagine there are so many details to the results and how they all interconnect and effect our decision to continue down the road with a new medication
i will attempt to explain the most important parts to the best of my ability and understanding

as i explained to my facebook friends yesterday

to summarize our appointment there was some good news 

and some not-so-great news 

but the good news about the not-so-great news is that there is a plan moving forward to overcome some of it and to monitor the really scary parts

one of the most comforting elements of our visit was my continued feeling of peace about the direction we are headed 

and a confidence in this doctor and his staff and the plan in place

so here’s where the details will come

a lot of technical info so hold tight if this is what you came here to read

if not you can skim or skip to the bottom

so some of the good news

is that despite mike’s blurred double vision and tracking difficulties

his eyes are healthy and the myelin sheath around his optical nerve is still thick

with his vision actually at 20/15

which mike proudly declares is actually a step down from his previous stellar 20/10

some not-so-great news

mike is significantly deficient in vitamin D

an easy fix

mike also has high liver function

something i would have thought was a good thing

they will be monitoring this through follow up testing

some of the scary bits

here’s where it gets a little hard to explain

after much research and listening to the input of countless concerned individuals as i’m sure you can imagine

we have chosen a path with a medication that the doctor and we all feel will be the best hope for mike due to the aggressiveness of his disease and symptoms

it is called tysabri

as i type this i realize that by stating this that some of you familiar with this drug may be concerned and feel the desire to warn us of the dangers of its use

we have been made full aware and are continuing to proceed due to this peace and confidence we have felt

allow me to explain to the others

with this medication your chances increase of getting a rare brain infection that causes death or severe disability 

it is called progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy (PML)

there are a lot of details regarding this infection but as it applies to mike

before you can take tysabri you are tested for the john cunningham virus (JCV) which exposure to increases your chance of getting PML if you have a weakened immune system, which would include those taking tysabri

this test puts you on a scale of negative and positive and then puts you somewhere along that scale to indicate the risk level of you developing that infection

the scary part comes that mike was placed on the scale on the positive side

at a level they would expect to see after a year of already being on the medication
and with mike's history of horrific reactions to medications
this definitely got our attention

so why would we continue to pursue this medication?

here’s where the peace and confidence come in

as i am sure you guessed we have been praying for years about what path we should take regarding mike’s health

we have felt peace with each decision we have made

although some of the peace has taken longer for me to feel than mike

i am so grateful that we have made these decisions together and with our Heavenly Father so that no matter the outcome we know that we did what was best

as i recently explained in my post "what lies ahead: projections from meeting mike's new doctor"

i have a tendency to ask why

why now and not then

why this and not that

why him with all he can give

this is something i have worked hard to turn off and replace with increased faith and trust

not mike, he never asks why

just what am i to learn

how can i serve where i am

our path has brought us to this point

we have been led down the path piece by piece

and if we can learn from the past we would gather that this will not be the destination but a spot along a path going on further

mike has been blessed by a leader in our church with a long life

a life in which he can see his children grow up and serve missions for our church

all of this

in combination with our discussions with doctor and the possible benefits this medication could bring to him

have brought a peace despite the risk

it is possible that mike will have some of his cognitive abilities return

it is possible that mike will have a decrease in his ongoing severe pain

an increase in energy

ability to sleep 

increase mobility in his legs

visibility problems lessened 

increased balance

the disease will be slowed

a decrease in the number of flare-ups

and a myriad of other possible benefits which cannot be measured or observed from the outside

these are the possibilities

there is hope

as our doctor spoke to us about the risks of taking this medication

he did so with confidence in his ability to closely monitor and reevaluate mike along his journey

he gave us a scheduled plan out 186 months and what tests he would receive at each treatment

he too was very hopeful in the possible benefits this medication could have for mike

of course not making any promises

and making us aware of those who have not received benefits

but also pointing us to a large percentage of his patients who have

so although the risk and fear is there

the peace and confidence outweigh them

we now wait for pre-authorization from our insurance for these treatments

and look into financial aid for this costly medication

we have been reassured that there is help available 

it is our hope that these monthly infusions will begin within the next two weeks before i leave for my next Nerium Bash in Long Beach in mid November

the medication will take four months before it can begin to take effect

at which point we hope the relief and progress will come quickly

this was a long one

and i am humbled that so many of you care enough to read it all

so many of you tell me that you pray for us on a daily basis

and i want you to know that i feel it

i have recently thought that i would like to create a ‘faces of support’ board in which i print out photos of you all and put them up in a place i can see you smiling down upon me during those times of loneliness and discouragement

know that i close my eyes often and see your faces in my mind

i feel of your outreach of love

i feel of your thoughts and prayers

and it makes the world of difference in my life

and the life of my family

oh how i have been blessed by a community of friends and family who constantly lift me and plead out to my Savior on our behalf

i love you friends

i can’t wait for the day of one ginormous group hug

non-sensical sense: why my clutter is treasure to me

i am confident in saying that no one will agree one hundred percent with what i am going to say 
maybe a percentage of you will agree with some of what i say
but probably most of you will think i’m crazy
i am okay with that, just please be kind

after posting my husbands post, clutter or treasure
it was clear that i needed to write a rebuttal
so maybe this isn’t really a rebuttal so much as a non-sensical attempt to explain the reasons behind what he would deem, and probably most of you, madness
madness that he lives with and puts up with graciously because he loves me
and somehow thinks i’m the best person he’s ever met in his life
despite the wake of treasures that come along with keeping me around

you must realize that he is leaning heavily towards the label of exaggeration by saying i have kept everything since birth
yes i may have had a personal ‘dewey-decimal’ like system coded by color for my childhood books, i have only kept a few which have now made their home in Felicity’s room
and yes i may still have Humanities textbooks from college, but i have gotten rid of most of them and have even given away most of my student teaching materials recognizing that if i ever taught film or art history or spanish
there would be an entirely new world of information available
see, i have some sense in me

but his claim of fifteen years of moving innumerable unopened boxes from house to house
unfounded i tell you

what about my need to keep things makes real sense?
hmmm, probably not a whole lot

i inherited a love for keeping things ‘just in case’ from my daddy
it was a well known fact that you did not remove anything from daddy’s closet
there was a reason for him keeping that stiff baseball glove, dusty magic show kit, or heavily lined parka that a polar bear would be jealous of
in his eyes they were still perfectly good and still had lots of life left in them to give
just in case you ever wanted to play catch, see a magic show, or moved back to Alaska
we were raised to be recyclers and reusers way before the wave of green came
for that was part of my daddy’s industry

in my attempt to keep mike’s ‘use by date’ stamped fluorescent stickers at bay
i will seek to reveal some random reasons i feel compelled to keep so many different categories of things
warning:
i am trying to put a linear cause and effect pattern on what more likely resembles an old skool jungle gym of sharp twists forward, to the side, and back
so please remember...
be kind

*i had an incredible childhood full to the absolute tippy top with magical moments that i don’t ever want to forget.  physically seeing random objects and papers conjure up memories the moment i lay my eyes on them.  holding them brings an added dose of reality...those things really happened

*i love learning.  i fear forgetting.  i have spent my entire life learning: studying my passions, traveling, world cultures, pursuing hobbies, teaching myself how to accomplish tasks, spiritual knowledge, personal goal setting, relationships.  i have the deepest fear of forgetting what i have learned

*the fear of wanting/needing something in the future and not knowing where to find it. this feeds into the ‘i bet i’m going to need that’ and the ‘i’ll have time to do that in the future’ categories of treasures.  

*i do not like spending money.  i am horrible at it and i know its annoying to go shopping with me.  i humph and haw over if i should buy something, get to the checkout and more likely than not, i put it back and leave.  we have struggled financially most of our married life and so if something is given to us or we have invested money in purchasing it, it is difficult to get rid of it, knowing that someday we might need it again and i don’t know if i could breakdown to buy it

*projects are my lifeline.  i feel like myself the most when i am creating and especially when i can take something that i see potential in its current less than luster state and transform it into something unique and beautiful.  as mike would say: one person’s junk is another persons treasure...so we have a ton of treasure for ‘another person’.  can i help it if i see potential in so many things around me?  it excites me to envision what a drab piece of furniture can become with the touch of my hands.

*we have moved 14 times in 15 years of marriage.  it has been rare to have felt like i am living in my own home enough to unpack everything.  not to say that i don’t feel the love and warmth of being in a home surrounded by my family.   i keep things, longing to find that place where i will feel settled, where i can unpack everything and then decide if i want it to be a part of my home.  it seems unnecessary to make the cut before i get there.  maybe in our next place, that thing will find its perfect spot right there.

at this point you are all thinking i am crazy
wondering how i’ve made it this far in my life

i have felt the freedom that comes with a clutter free mind and a clutter free space
and it is a beautiful feeling
but i also have anxiety attached to saying goodbye to things
for all the fears and struggles i have mentioned above
on my recent trip to Dallas
Mike in his sincere desire to lift my burdens
decided to clean out our master bedroom
what had become the storing place of the misfit items
he texted me a photo and it looked incredibly clean and lovely
but my first gut feeling was 
where did everything go
by now, you’ve diagnosed me with some sickness
and i’m sure there’s a name for it

do i want to stay one hundred percent like this for the rest of my life
absolutely not
it is definitely a goal of mine to remove unneeded items
which by my standard is difficult to do
but i’m ready to do it
what i will always place value will be frugality, reusability, creativity, and reminiscing
just i hope in a more sensical way
that doesn’t involve me needing to fill up our 3rd car garage as our non-digital cloud

epilogue:
after posting this my husband posted the following on facebook in response to my top photo:

I think it's important to note that the clutter/treasure in our garage and throughout our home does NOT look like the picture!
This picture is simply an attempt to put lipstick on a pig and I am incensed! Why not take a picture of our actual garage???

so in fairness i took an actual photo of our non-digital cloud
look how organized it is people
i could tell you what is in each of those bins and boxes
because i've OPENED all of them

tell me there’s someone out there who aligns some of their thoughts with what i just confessed.
and for those of you who are less attachment oriented than myself, how do i get started?

clutter or treasure?

I am fond of saying that my wife has kept everything since birth.  And it’s pretty close to the truth.  She still has stuffed animals from her childhood.  She has a personal ‘dewey-decimal’-like system for her childhood books.  She has kept all of her college textbooks, notes, and paperwork - “just in case”.  

“Just in case what?”, I ask! Just in case we are teleported back in time to the late 90‘s and your materials are still relevant and timely?  Just in case someone comes by the house and asks, “Hey do you have that Humanities textbook from 1998, cause my daughter is headed off to college and I think it could come in handy!”

We have an innumerable number of boxes in our garage that are “Just in Case” boxes.  Boxes that I have moved - unopened - for 15 years from house to house.  

There are other categories of clutter in our home as well.

Of course, we also have the boxes of ‘before-we-moved-into-the-digital-age’ stuff like photo prints, cds, movies, and similar items.  These boxes are just begging to be digitized and then vanish.  (In fact, I dream about having a ‘cloud’ for all non-digital stuff.  Now that would be cool.  Let’s just put these unfinished dining chairs into the cloud until we need them...unfortunately, the ‘cloud’ is our 3rd car garage at the moment.

Which leads me to the ‘i’m-gonna-get-to-this-project-soon’ category of stuff.  This takes up quite a bit of square footage in the household.  Armoires, old dining chairs, tables, wooden things, desks, pictures frames, old junk, and ‘I don’t even know what it’s called’ stuff take up space collecting dust, spiders, and who knows what else.

In 15 years, I have yet to start a sentence with, “I am so glad we kept...”

I’m a proponent of a system that allows for the disposal of stuff after a defined period of time has elapsed.  Say a year.  If this project/just in case box hasn’t been used in the year then out it goes!

I want to get a big bunch of fluorescent stickers and mark each item/box with an expiration time stamp.  If the item/box hasn’t been touched - meaningfully used - then it has passed its use-by date and it can be donated/discarded.

I know what they say: One persons junk is another persons treasure.  Well, excellent, we have a TON of treasure for ‘another person’.

Apparently there is some sort of emotional attachment to some of this stuff.  Briana has told me before that she keeps things as memories and if she gets rid of said memory she will forget about it.  My response: Take a (digital) photo of whatever it is and you can always have that to look at.  Bam!
And that is my side of the story!

the other side of how we met

it was the summer of 1997

and third eye blind and matchbox 20 were king

email was just becoming the premier way of communicating

it was still a thrill to see one pop up in your inbox
i received an email from one of my college friends suggesting we become counselors to the incoming freshman
for me it was an easy decision

the last weekend in august
i remember standing in a parking lot waiting for a shuttle that would transport my new group of 17 {we later named roadkill something or other} up the gorgeous aspen lined provo canyon to aspen grove
where we would be ‘training’ on how to be counselors
needless to say it was a three day funfest

i remember being on that shuttle with this curly haired, short guy who didn’t say much
he wore razor blade frogskin oakleys, that were outdated even for 1997
{you know the kind that you could switch out the nose piece, arms, and frames with rad colors}
frayed cut off jean shorts and a beat up t-shirt
his style made quite the impression

upon arriving there we gathered around in a circle and each group member got a chance to introduce themselves
on someone else's turn this curly haired guy made some smart comment about this other guys major selection
i remember thinking, 'this guy thinks he's real funny'
little did i know that not only does this guy think he's funny, but he would make me laugh every day
and even after 15 years of marriage i would still not know if his dry humor and smart comments to me are serious or in jest

the next three days were full of fun and frivolity
water games, team olympics, trust activities, late nights of mingling, mixed with a little bit of training
i remember the first occasion i had to actually sit down and talk to mike in a small group
i learned of his ambition to graduate early and head to law school
and of his mission to hong kong and study of the chinese language
he had a confidence and direction that was very appealing
having dated a few guys who were insecure with who they were and what they wanted
it was certainly not love at first sight
but love at first real conversation
i was twitter-pated from day one

from that moment on i tried to create every opportunity to be next to him
each time we met in a large groups of hundreds of counselors in training or in our small group or at the cafeteria
i saved a spot right next to me
hoping he would sit there
and often he did
somehow i made my way next to him
i laughed at every joke or funny line
{later realizing that most of his lines came from tv shows like seinfeld or movies starring jim carrey or chris farley}
and hung on every word he said
for it had to have been important and oh so deep

and after those dreamy three days i didn't want to let him go
i wanted to continue to be right next to him
so of course on that bus ride back down provo canyon
i did what any other twitter-pated girl would do
i pretended to fall asleep on his shoulder
i felt safe there next to him
with a pounding in my heart that i didn't want to go away

this was the beginning of a whirlwind love
with the fire of love flamed by poems, flowers, dances, and all sorts of other romantic gestures
that i fell deeply for

after 15 years, this man has never ceased to treat me like his queen
never criticizing, always lifting me
with his positive outlook and strength that i continue to lean on each and every day

to read mike's side of how we met click here
to see photos of our life over the years i posted on our 14th wedding anniversary click here

my side of how we met

It all started with a letter that I threw in the trash.

It was the summer of 1997.  I had been going to college year round for two straight years.  No breaks.  Fall semester.  Winter semester. Spring semester.  Summer semester.  Round and round I went.  I wanted to graduate and move on.

But, for some strange reason, I decided to move home and save some money for the final summer before my last semester of college.  I hadn’t lived at home since I left for school in 1992 (including a two year stint in Hong Kong).  I loved being away from home and the college life, so inexplicably, I moved home.

I don’t remember the day well.  I just remember getting a piece of mail from my university.  I opened it.  It was a letter with some colorful brochures inviting me to participate in a sort of mentor program for incoming freshman.  The brochure was full of brightly colored pictures of fun, frivolity, and freshmen.  Definitely not my thing.  I’m not really not into trying new things.  I don’t like uncomfortable settings.  And into the trash it went.

However, the brochure kept calling my name.  I tried to ignore it, but finally I pulled it out of the trash and stared at it for a long time.  Then, a brilliant idea struck me.  If I could cajole on of my buddies to do it with me, if it was a disaster at least I wouldn’t be alone!  I called my buddy and told him that I thought we should sign up for this freshman mentor thing and do it together...”it’ll be fun”, I said.  I was completely surprised when he agreed and we signed up.

As mentors, we met up a few days before school started and were taken to the mountains for a three day “training”.  I can’t remember much training.  I do remember a ton of activities and fun.  Upon arrival, we were divided into groups of 8 or 10 with an even split of guys and girls.

And that is when I saw her for the first time.

To be honest, my heart didn’t melt.  She was nice.  In fact, she seemed too nice.  You know what I mean?  I couldn’t believe that someone could be that nice.  She was kind, considerate, thoughtful, well-spoken, and friendly.  

(Now, you should know that I am was cynical, sarcastic, and sharp-tongued.  Traits I am not proud of, but it is the truth.)

Therefore, through my way of seeing the world, I concluded that she was fake.  Something that, in my self-righteous state, I believed was the ultimate tragedy.  Just be real.  Fake...Gross!

(I’m pretty sure that I yanked her hair while trying to snag a bug out of the air when we first met.  Not my finest moment.  I have chosen to repress those memories, so I’ll leave it to her to tell that part of the story.)

As you can imagine, our group spent pretty much the next three days constantly together.  After the first day, I began to notice that everywhere we went, she was next to me.  She always chose the chair next to me.  She always sat on the grass next to me.  Every time I turned my head - there she was.  What?  She liked me!

It was around this time that I began to notice two important things.

1. She was beautiful.  She had long, beautiful hair.  She was stylish.  Lips the size of pillows.  But most of all, she had an incredible smile.  You know what I mean, right.  A smile that had the wattage to power New York City for a lifetime.  I found myself working hard to bring out that smile.
2. She was real.  He kindness wasn’t an act.  She was genuinely interested in seeing the best in each person she knew.  She was unlike anyone I had ever met.  She was kind, gentle, meek, and gracious.

After I realized these two key things, I began to feel two important feelings.

1. I felt amazing when I was around her and when I saw that smile.  I felt all gooey inside!  But, ya know, gooey in a really good way...
2. I felt like I wanted to be around her all the time.  I wanted to embrace her incredibly generous traits (as I read this back, I realize that is a double entendre).  I wanted to put away my cynicism and sarcastic tendencies.  I wanted to be like she was...kind, thoughtful, and good.

Those three days were magic for me in so many ways.  The rest is history.  It took some serious wooing from me to get her to commit to me, but it was all worth it and then some!

I have spent the last 15 years working to be worthy of her.  To be real.  To be genuine, kind, thoughtful, and gentle.  To put away the sarcasm and cynicism.  

But, most of all, I have worked every day for that smile!  Oh how I crave that smile...

We’re opposites.  And we attract!

...And that is my side of our story!

dear briana: daddy's letter

yesterday i ached so much for my daddy
it seems unreal that i have lived without him here for almost a year
without his continued counsel
without his laugh
without his commute home phone calls
without his soft hair
without his voice calling my name

i just wanted to feel him close to me
immediately upon hearing the song below
'grace' by david tolk
i am with him in my mind



as i shared in my answers to my interview here
whenever i hear this beautiful piano piece, i am immediately transported to being a little girl once again
holding hands with my daddy
the nostalgic notes cast images in my mind's eye and i can imagine my life as a child being played back as if on a reel of projector film with those lines streaming down it, no voices just this song
just a little girl running and playing with her father
i can not refrain from crying each time i listen to it
oh how i miss holding his hand
and more than anything hearing his voice

after listening to this song yesterday
i needed more
i needed to hear him call my name
i began watching a beautifully powerful tribute video that my sister in law Kelli and cousin Brandon made for all of us to watch at the funeral services
i have not watched it in nearly a year
on it there is a section devoted completely to daddy and i, as was the case with all of my siblings
but in the very beginning of my video chapter
i can hear daddy calling my name
briana
briana
i run up to him and show him my newly chipped teeth
'i chipped my teeth at 7-11, i can't talk good' i say
i can still remember the feeling of my daddy swooping me up in both of his arms and carrying me out of that silly 7-11 after i tripped and knocked out my two front teeth
i remember feeling safe
i always felt safe with daddy around

i wonder often how much of my life he can see
how often he is by my side
does he see me crying and missing him so much
does he yearn to wipe my tears away and let me know how near he really is
what does he want me to know
what does he want to say to me
i listen closely to hear him whisper to me
and sometimes i can hear his voice speaking to my heart
just as in the unbelievable letter he wrote to me my freshman year in college at a time i was very ill
through one of the greatest tender mercies of my life, i found it just prior to the funeral service and read it as part of my tribute to dad
the greatest words i could have said that day were not my words at all, but his
written in his own handwriting
his words to me then are as if he were writing to me today

dear briana,
well, i guess this is probably the biggest problem of having you away from home and being sick.  it is a helpless feeling for a parent to not be able to help.  i imagine it is probably pretty lonely trying to cope with this illness by yourself.  i realize rachel is a big help but there is nothing like family around and being at home.

i changed pens since the other was running out of ink.  i feel bad that your beginning at BYU has had some negative occurrences.  i guess we can't have everything perfect all of the time.  we have to have the bad so we can appreciate the good in life.

briana don't worry about getting behind.  all you can do is your best and if circumstances don't allow you to perform to your satisfaction you have to accept it.  you can make up for it later. you are there to learn many things like: relationships, who you are, how well do you cope in adversity, how can you help others around you, and most importantly to develop a greater awareness of  your relationship with God and Christ.  don't forget they are always with you and know your needs.

i sure do miss you and think about you every day.  i remember when i was there and helps me to know that you are having a great time.  you will learn so many things while you are there and you will treasure your experience.

keep your chin up as they say.  don't get discouraged about the things you can't change.  they may be taxing now but won't last forever.

i love you very much and can't wait to see you.
love Dad