Friday, September 13, 2013

trust without borders

3 am
and we pull out of our california cul-de-sac for the last time as residents
bound for our new home in draper utah
a home mike and i chose for us the day before
sight unseen for me
trusting in mike and the feeling of peace and a sense that this is the natural next step for our family

so why the rush
why did we decide to pack up our entire life in one week and move out of state
i was able to explain the basis of this whirlwind in my post ‘change in the air
in which i describe some of the new symptoms that mike’s multiple sclerosis is manifesting in him
scary stuff
the kind that messes with your mind
and he has the most incredible mind that nothing should mess with

these symptoms had only been happening a few weeks 
but the first couple of weeks mike battled these cognitive declines alone
not sharing them with me
i could tell something was going on but wasn’t sure what
i would find him blinking furiously or jolting his body as if he was trying to wake himself up
his speech had slowed down and he had become increasingly emotional
but i had no idea that what lay beneath those outward evidences
were the symptoms that i have dreaded
those symptoms that separate mike from being himself
confusion, memory loss, inability to perform basic tasks, extended periods of unresponsiveness, and the breakdown of that seemingly inpenetrable will power that has kept him going for so long
i truly feel like that the reason he finally felt confident in revealing to me the torturous things he was experiencing
was because he saw in me a strength
he saw me succeeding with the new adjustment of working
and that i had exhibited a new found confidence
but i tell you when he told me all that he had been going through
i broke

it took a couple days of real breakage
laying in bed in denial for extended periods of time
then the reality of my family’s dependence on me for basic needs got me out of bed and back to work
i felt an urgency as i saw the blank expressions on my husband’s face during those dreaded episodes
grabbing and shaking his arm to bring him back to me
has to be some of the most difficult moments i have experienced so far in my life

over a couple of days as we discussed all the factors in our lives that were up in the air
health, finances, place to live
i continued to have this urgent feeling that i needed to get mike up to utah
i tried to fight it
i really did
i dragged my feet on it for a couple days
not wanting to take those things that had remained stable in my life and purposefully make them unstable

but all roads led to utah
clinic and doctor recommendations flooded in
a chance for mike to receive the healthcare he needs
offers by mike’s family and friends for support and care
a job for mike from his understanding and generous father
financial assistance from family members
offers to help move us up by family and dear friends
my mom was already moving up to attend school, a new adventure for her, and arrangements were already made to move her up at that time
so it was only natural that we would go at the same time
however crazy that may seem
but the final piece in this jigsaw puzzle was that feeling of peace from the Lord that this was where we needed to be
this is what i had waited to feel
i could have felt it earlier
but i wasn’t ready to feel it

i put mike on a plane a few days before we were to move
for two main reasons
one: to get him away from the physical labor of moving. because i know him and if there is work to be done, he will give his all to do it, even at his own detriment
two: i preferred not to pick a home to live in by photos alone
so off he went
the thought of watching him walk away at that airport terrified me
letting go of having him under my watch and care at a time when he had been so vulnerable
only came because of the wave of peace i felt as i said goodbye

and miracles continued to roll in
within days mike was able to find us a home to live in that was going to be vacated a day before we needed to move in
we celebrated my baby sister's marriage with tremendous joy, feeling close to my Daddy and my entire family as we laughed and cried together
soaking up those final moments in which we were all in the same place
{yes a wedding fell in this week of frenzy}
dear friends organized and manned a garage sale for me
guiding me to get rid of a lot of my things
you all saw my garage in my clutter post...well if only i had taken a photo of the garage sale
you all would have been floored and beyond proud of me
even mike and all his clutter talk was shocked at the amount of stuff i let go of
it was rough, even brutal but it had to be done
they made enough money from that sale
in conjunction with the parting of my beloved lockers
to pay for unexpected moving expenses

legions of friends and neighbors showed up 
to help me pack my entire home in mere days
to bring me dinners
to watch my children
to load our u-hauls...yes i said u-haulssss
to clean our home top to bottom
to help me with last minute logistics of items needing to be sold or left behind
i even had a rockstar of a friend offer to drive up one of our trucks just so i could have all my stuff up there and not sitting in storage

and that brings me back to my 
3 am departure

i passed through the desert
through the gorge and alongside the river
and on to those red rocks that welcome you into the state of utah
all along the way i continued to receive glimpses that this was the right journey for us
the journey of obedience
the journey of hope
the journey of becoming something new
something different for both mike and i

but as i drove i cried
missing loved ones already
not wanting to leave them behind
after depending on their outreach, service, companionship, and breath of life and laughter for these past six years
fear crept in
could i do this
could i really do this
is this really the best place for mike to be
can there be hope in doctors we have never met with
will the boys thrive
a million questions and doubts raced through my mind
challenging those moments of clarity and peace

yet in the midst of the tears i knew this was truly the right path
i could feel it in my soul
i could hear the whispers in my mind
i longed to feel constantly connected to those reassurances
so i turned to the medium in which i can feel that rush of the Spirit and love of God most instantaneously and abundantly
a song dedicated to me late at night on the front lawn of my dear friend who knows my life and the desires i have to follow God’s plan for me
even when its difficult
and so much of me screams ‘enough’

these are the words which i sang aloud as i drove and cried
the words of tremendous reassurance
the words from the song ‘oceans {where feet may fail}’

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters
wherever you would call me
take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my Saviour

i will call upon your name
keep my eyes above the waves
my soul will rest in your embrace
i am yours and you are mine.

oh those words
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters
wherever you would call me
that was my deepest prayer at that moment
that my faith would be strong enough to not be bound by my own borders
that i could remove them and step outside the space of comfort i had come to depend on
i needed to prove to myself that i didn't need to worry about all those things that i had made unstable
because the one thing that will never be unstable
the one thing that will always be stable
and constant
and omnipresent in my life
is the outreach of my Savior
and shouldn't i want to be led deeper than my feet could ever wander on their own
that my faith would be made stronger
because i will feel the presence of my Savior stronger than i ever have before
oh how i pray that i will find rest in His embrace
that Mike will find rest in His embrace
this is my hope
this is my hope in this new journey


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