Saturday, July 27, 2013

one year without him

oh my life without him
can it be a year
an entire year
without him here with me

i just want to curl up next to him on the sofa and be wrapped up in his arms
and have him kiss my head
and hear his laugh
i want to feel the unparalleled security that i felt being with him
and yet i know that has been a lesson that every single one of my family members has had to learn
to feel that same security without him here
as much as i learned about the nature of my Heavenly Father from the character, love, and actions of my own earthly Father
i have had to depend on my Heavenly Father more than i ever had before now that my daddy is not here to lean on

one of the most difficult moments in my life was watching my daddy lay in his hospital bed with his oxygen mask on, unable to speak to me
he was there
i was there
but we couldn’t converse
that had never happened to me in all my life
my father was always present, always available for me to talk to 
and one i cherished and came to depend on
mike would always tease me that even though he would give me the same advice, i wouldn’t believe it fully until it came from my daddy
amazingly their advice seemed to always coincide
i married a very wise man

being completely separated from my daddy physically has caused such heaviness upon my soul, a longing, a yearning i have never experienced
and yet knowing that he lives on has brought the greatest clarity of existence that i could not have discovered any other way
to live each day knowing that there is someone you love so deeply that continues to live on passed this earthly death
to know and feel it with every fiber of your being
that he lives
brings a life of overwhelming peace even in the midst of your sorrow and longing

that reassurance also comes when i can feel him near
when i can hear as if from his own mouth
words of encouragement
when i can close my eyes and see his face 
and hear his laughter

yet there are those moments when the separation seems unbearable and so unfair
and so lengthy
when i'd rather just have him there beside me instead of peace from afar
when i think of what he has missed already in a year, what he will miss in my future and the lives of my children 
when i think i just can't make a decision not knowing his advice
when i miss his silly dance, his falling asleep mid conversation on the sofa, his squinty eyed laugh, his shortness with uncooperative collapsable chairs, the way he held my children on his shoulder, his rush hour phone calls
oh how do i live without all of that
what if i forget what his voice sounds like
what if my children forget how they used to play with papa and how much he loved them
what if i get used to him being gone
what if i stop talking to him out loud as if he can hear me

today my mother in law shared with me part of a message from our past general conference of our church
this man spoke of how even though his father had passed away more than ten years ago, 
“i can still hear his voice, sense his love, enjoy his encouragement, and feel his acceptance”
this is what i want to experience
his voice, his love, his encouragement, his acceptance

thank you dear friends for your continued support throughout this year
i have grown closer to so many of you through your deeds of kindness, words of encouragement, and expressions of prayer
as one of my daddy's favorite quote says

thank you for helping to meet the needs of my family this year
i pray that i may be the hands of heaven to you in return

to read more about my daddy and his battle with bone marrow cancer as well as my trudge through grief and living without him click here
to read what i have learned on how to help your children through the loss of a loved one click here


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