Tuesday, July 02, 2013

dear briana: daddy's letter

yesterday i ached so much for my daddy
it seems unreal that i have lived without him here for almost a year
without his continued counsel
without his laugh
without his commute home phone calls
without his soft hair
without his voice calling my name

i just wanted to feel him close to me
immediately upon hearing the song below
'grace' by david tolk
i am with him in my mind

Grace by David Tolk on Grooveshark

as i shared in my answers to my interview here
whenever i hear this beautiful piano piece, i am immediately transported to being a little girl once again
holding hands with my daddy
the nostalgic notes cast images in my mind's eye and i can imagine my life as a child being played back as if on a reel of projector film with those lines streaming down it, no voices just this song
just a little girl running and playing with her father
i can not refrain from crying each time i listen to it
oh how i miss holding his hand
and more than anything hearing his voice

after listening to this song yesterday
i needed more
i needed to hear him call my name
i began watching a beautifully powerful tribute video that my sister in law Kelli and cousin Brandon made for all of us to watch at the funeral services
i have not watched it in nearly a year
on it there is a section devoted completely to daddy and i, as was the case with all of my siblings
but in the very beginning of my video chapter
i can hear daddy calling my name
i run up to him and show him my newly chipped teeth
'i chipped my teeth at 7-11, i can't talk good' i say
i can still remember the feeling of my daddy swooping me up in both of his arms and carrying me out of that silly 7-11 after i tripped and knocked out my two front teeth
i remember feeling safe
i always felt safe with daddy around

i wonder often how much of my life he can see
how often he is by my side
does he see me crying and missing him so much
does he yearn to wipe my tears away and let me know how near he really is
what does he want me to know
what does he want to say to me
i listen closely to hear him whisper to me
and sometimes i can hear his voice speaking to my heart
just as in the unbelievable letter he wrote to me my freshman year in college at a time i was very ill
through one of the greatest tender mercies of my life, i found it just prior to the funeral service and read it as part of my tribute to dad
the greatest words i could have said that day were not my words at all, but his
written in his own handwriting
his words to me then are as if he were writing to me today

dear briana,
well, i guess this is probably the biggest problem of having you away from home and being sick.  it is a helpless feeling for a parent to not be able to help.  i imagine it is probably pretty lonely trying to cope with this illness by yourself.  i realize rachel is a big help but there is nothing like family around and being at home.

i changed pens since the other was running out of ink.  i feel bad that your beginning at BYU has had some negative occurrences.  i guess we can't have everything perfect all of the time.  we have to have the bad so we can appreciate the good in life.

briana don't worry about getting behind.  all you can do is your best and if circumstances don't allow you to perform to your satisfaction you have to accept it.  you can make up for it later. you are there to learn many things like: relationships, who you are, how well do you cope in adversity, how can you help others around you, and most importantly to develop a greater awareness of  your relationship with God and Christ.  don't forget they are always with you and know your needs.

i sure do miss you and think about you every day.  i remember when i was there and helps me to know that you are having a great time.  you will learn so many things while you are there and you will treasure your experience.

keep your chin up as they say.  don't get discouraged about the things you can't change.  they may be taxing now but won't last forever.

i love you very much and can't wait to see you.
love Dad


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