Earnest Expectation and Expecting Miracles

It is with a broken heart, puffy eyes, and reluctant hands that I sit down to write this morning.  My main motive is to alleviate a nearly impossible task from my mother, that of contacting those wonderful people in our life who have been praying for daddy in order to update them on daddy's condition.  Nearly impossible, because as I mentioned previously it involves that horrible "C" word... cancer, and because this time the news hit even harder.

Forgive me for writing so mechanically, but at this moment I feel a bit as if air has been sucked out of life as I know it.

My daddy has been re-diagnosed with Myeloma cancer, the most serious and aggressive strain of Lymphoma.

Myeloma is a cancer of the plasma cells, a type of white cell found in many tissues of the body, but primarily in the bone marrow. Plasma cells are part of the body's immune system.

Normal plasma cells make antibodies, which help fight infection. Myeloma cells cannot help the body fight infection. As the myeloma cells grow in the marrow they crowd out the normal plasma cells. They also crowd out normal white cells, red cells and platelets. (Leukemia & Lymphoma Society)

It has come as such a shock after hearing and coming to accept the first diagnosis.  This cancer will have to be treated in a more aggressive manner and will involve more unwelcome things, such as increased nausea and my daddy losing his baby soft, salt n pepper hair.

We were told "facts" or "statistics" about this cancer, but we have decided that we are not going to focus on them, rather that we have HOPE and EXPECT MIRACLES.  Hope as my father chooses to define it is, an "earnest expectation".  I love that!  My parents will be seeking a second and possibly a third opinion soon, to consult on the diagnosis and treatment that St. Joseph's Hospital has recommended.

The doctor came into the room last night and sat while giving us the news.  I heard myself saying aloud in a desperate, weak voice, "You have to be wrong".  It still does not feel real to me.  What does feel 100% real to me, and more tangible than ever, is the love that we share as a family.  The eternal bonds that exist between my parents, between my parents and their children, between my siblings, and between my siblings who are married and their spouses and their children, can be felt so strongly, more than ever.  The phrase you begin singing as a Primary child, "Families can be Together Forever", continues to reveal itself more and more as one of the greatest gifts of a loving Father in Heaven.

I have always known that my father is one of the most exemplary men, but the way in which he handled such news last night was another testimony of it.  The first thing he said after the doctor left was his concern for the doctor in having to deliver such news.  Nurses who were unaware of what just happened cheerfully came in to handle routine things such as dad's IV.  He was polite and helpful as he held the tubes for them as they changed it.  When such news needed to be told to my siblings, He wanted to call them himself.  When it proved very difficult, we offered to make the calls for him.  He said that that this is how he is used to leading his life, he does hard things all the time.  He can do hard things.

Yes he can.  He has dealt with many things others may think impossible, but because of his perspective, because of his work ethic, because of his dedication to doing things right, his faith, his love, he has brought success and hope to the tasks.

I watched my mother and father gaze at each other, no words expressed.  To witness how much they are still in love... I speak about it with the greatest reverence.

I thank you all for your continued prayers and thoughts in behalf of myself, my daddy, and our family.  I ask for your continued faith as we expect miracles and fight to beat the odds.  Miracles happen everyday, and I know we can have great faith on behalf of my father, my great father.  A man I can not imagine my life without.  As I look at this photo, Daddy reading an Italian toddler book to little Owen at one of our family beach vacations while Liz and I look on so intently, I pray for many many more of these moments.

I know my Savior has carried our burdens and has suffered the heartache, pain, anger, and hopelessness that we have felt.  For what purpose?  That we may come unto Him.  Whatever form these miracles may come in, I pray that I may rely more heavily upon my Savior and seek his comfort and a greater understanding.  I must step from believing in Him to believing Him.

Who We Are Together

I have been so blessed to have the example of my parents in showing me what a loving and thriving marriage looks like.  These past months have been exhausting and weighty for them both, but they continue to strengthen one another.  Last night I went over to their home and experienced a beautiful moment of true love and companionship between the two of them as my father expressed his gratitude to my mother for taking such good care of him.  Tears filled my eyes as I listened to this exchange.  How did I get so lucky?

Today I was reading an article in the magazine Ensign that is published by our Church, entitled "Learning through Life's Trials" written by Larry Richman.  It was a wonderful reminder of the purposes and benefits that come with experiencing trials.  He states, "Trials give us opportunities to show the Lord and ourselves that we will be faithful."  I was reminded of a moment in my life when I was experiencing the most difficult trial in my life up to that point.  I knew that I had to go through with something that God wanted me to do, but I wasn't happy about it.  I was rather angry.  I remember  driving in the car and talking aloud to myself (not uncommon:-) ), running through all the 'in's and 'out's of what was going on in my mind.  I stopped myself and said, "Is this going to break my faith?" "NO" I yelled.  It gave me such an amazing feeling that I knew that I was capable of overcoming this difficulty.  With Heavenly Father's help of course, but He knew it too.  I could be faithful.  I could make it.

Br. Richman concluded with this statement that I just loved, "Each of us has the strength to bear our challenges in life because of who we are, who God is, and who we are together."  Love it!  Who we are together...Father and child.  What a blessing to have that knowledge!

November 2010: My Little Av8r

Love this photo of Tate putting on a little aviator hat and goggles (yes, those are swim goggles painted black at one time).  I threw a little shower for my new darling nephew Lincoln Charles with an airplane theme in honor of my grandfather Charles who passed away this year.  Gramps was a true av8r!  Tate was trying on some of the shower decorations and having a blast flying the paper airplanes.

I am having fun with some new actions and textures I recently purchased from Florabella. So fun!  Would love to hear if any of you use actions & textures and where you get them from.  I am so new to this.  Seems addicting already.

Come Make Christmas Gifts with Me: 3 Necklaces

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I mentioned previously that I have started a Sewing & Wearable Craft Group with my friend Heather that meets once a month.  This month I am taking a break from the sewing machine and doing some hand sewing & jewelry making to create 3 fun & simple necklaces that you can make as Christmas gifts (or keep for yourself- oh, so tempting:-) ).  1 of them is the ribbon & pearls necklace that I copied from a Charlotte Russe necklace, that I have received a ton of comments from people that they wanted to learn how to make this one.  Well, you are in luck!  Join me tomorrow night, Wed. Nov 10th @ 7:30 at my house.  One condition, you have to let me know you're coming, please RSVP-email, comment, call, etc.

Visit our blog at www.learn2love2sew.blogspot.com for all the supplies you need to bring.


Would love to have you come!

October 2010: The Pillage People and the Little Lamb

 

I have been blessed with a creative mind, but for some reason I can't seem to get it to apply to parenthood.  Thankfully once a year it seems to really come in handy, Halloween.  I had so much fun creating the boys costumes this year.  They decided on vikings, and I ran with it.  I drew inspiration from lots of photos as well as those funny Capital One commercials.  I love this one where they had to come up with a new career so they started a band, "The Pillage People".



The boys have loved wearing their costumes during the week.  We decided not to go Trick Or Treating (or Chuck or Treating as Eyan calls it:-) ) this year because it fell on the Sabbath, so they took every other opportunity to wear their costumes.  Tate even wore his to the grocery store, where some lady mistook him for Bigfoot.  Bigfoot, really?  It was amazing to me how their boy energy could be heighten anymore than it is in normal day life, but putting on these costumes really amped it up.  Yaaaahhhh!

There was no way I would have had time to make Felicity's costume as well.  I knew I wanted something cuddly, so I knew this was the costume for her right when I saw it.  I added the bell and it was adorable.  Isn't she the sweetest little lamb you ever did see?!  The first time I put it on her she screamed, so I wasn't sure she would let me put it on again.  I just needed a picture.  Isn't that hilarious?  At the church Halloween party she screamed a little bit, but by the end of the night she had fallen asleep in it on my shoulder.  I could not believe it.  That just does NOT happen.  My friend Aileen told me that Felicity counted herself and fell asleep.  So cute, I love it!

Each one of them won an award in their age group for their costumes.  So fun for them.  I felt a little bad each time we walked up there to get another award.  The Johnson Family again?!  Sorry.  But really their costumes were the cutest.  Oh sorry boys, I mean craziest and scariest - those are the awards the boys won.  They are already making plans for next year:-)

Davis and Juliet came as well.  So fun to have cousins that live close by.

The Best Kind of Medicine

There are a few sounds that instantaneously change my mood for the better:  the ocean surf, Pachelbel's Canon in D, the sweet song of this bird outside my bedroom window, the wind through aspen leaves, "Groove is in the Heart" by Dee-Lite, and my Daddy's laugh.  It has been such a blessing to be able to hear my Daddy laugh lately.  Really its infectious.  And its not just the sound of his laughter but his complete facial expression, especially the way his face turns beet red and his eyes squint when he's trying really hard not to laugh.  

We are blessed to live so close that we are able just to drop by often.  A few days ago I found one of Dad's CDs in my garage, a Bill Cosby comedy act.  I knew he would love it and it just might be the "medicine" he needed to keep his mind off his nausea, headaches, and exhaustion.  The kids and I brought it to him and he invited us to listen with him.  He told us how when he was a boy his family would sit around the record player listening to Bill Cosby and his tales of boyhood and fatherhood.  As we listened I loved watching my Daddy laugh with my boys on the sofa.  I'm pretty sure they got some new mischievous ideas about what to do in their bedroom at night.  The comedy act was full of amusement that hit real close to home.  In truth they didn't need Bill Cosby for new ideas.  For one thing they all sleep in the same room, so its chalk full of nightly giggles and loud bangs, and for another thing, they could just get all sorts of ideas straight out of grandpa's boyhood stories -- most of which have not been revealed to us kids and are anxiously awaited to be told each time my Dad's brothers are around.  We pry for more stories of my grandparents coming home to all the furniture being moved to the roof or a newly placed picture over a fresh hole in the wall.

I am grateful for laughter.  And thankfully we have plenty of it in our family.  I love that we have fun when we are together.  I think being together at my parents' house is another good form of medicine for my Dad. It is hard to see him struggle, but I think only us adults notice.  As grandpa, he's still the same!

Flew the Coop

Today we welcomed my Daddy home after 12 long days in the hospital.  A banner adorning the garage door reads, "Welcome Home Daddy. We Love U Grandpa!"  Banners are a tradition with our family, dating back to those awesome days of dot matrix printers with the hole punched perforated trimmed paper.  I always prefer the hand drawn ones myself.  The boys had fun coloring in the letters of "GRANDPA" and tracing their hands.  

My Daddy was not feeling so great today after enduring 3 days of chemotherapy, but he was thrilled to be out of the hospital.  He said that the smell was driving him crazy:-)  The smell.  That's hilarious, out of all of the things that would drive you crazy about the hospital, it was the smell that did it for Daddy.  Owen, Eyan, Felicity, and I went to visit him last night.  All the nurses were loving Dad since he would feed them all the delicious goodies that friends had been bringing him.  Dad told his nurse last night that he was breaking out of this chicken coop today.  He was in great spirits last night.  

Today he looked beat and worn out, exhibiting obvious pain and nausea.  Poor Daddy.  I am sure it will be great to sleep in his own bed, with his own pillow, next to my sweet Mommy.  

The official diagnosis is yet to be determined, with the pathologists still not giving a stamp of approval.  The doctor is standing firm with his assessment of the form of lymphoma being lymphoplasmacyctic, an uncommon classification which involves the B cells in the plasma and an increase in the IgM protein in the blood.  This increase of protein in my Dad's blood is what caused most of his scary symptoms because it made the blood so thick that it couldn't flow properly in his body.  While in the hospital he had to have plasmaferesis, a treatment which replaced my dad's protein-ladened plasma with fresh plasma.  The difference in my father after even his first treatment was extraordinary.

We continue to pray for everyday miracles as he proceeds with his weekly check-ups and chemotherapy every 3 weeks.  It is difficult to watch my father whom I have always viewed as superhuman with superhuman strength and ability, be so vulnerable and susceptible to human conditions.  I know he will be victorious in this battle.  He has too, he's my Daddy.

Something I Thought I'd Never Have to be Grateful For...

Truthfully I don't know where to begin.

Thanks to all of you who have kept my Daddy and our family in your prayers and thoughts, for those who participated in the fast, some even fasting for the very first time.  Thank you for the calls, the messages, the visits, the yummy comfort food at the hospital, the help with my kids-even when they've been cranky and/or sick.  Thank you.

Last night we gathered in my Daddy's hospital room as the doctor told us the news.  The pathologists and the doctor are still in disagreement as to the exact disease which my father has, but all agree that it is some type of lymphoma...cancer...that horrible word I can barely bring myself to say.  There are 50 types of lymphoma and they are still running tests on his bone marrow to distinguish exactly which type he has.  The doctor however is very sure that he knows which type it is and has reassured us that is treatable and generally curable and feels like the pathologists-who are even disagreeing amongst themselves- will be in agreement today.

After seeing my father in the worst state I have ever seen and then imagining all these possible reasons why and having them marinate in my mind for over a week, it was amazing how comforted I felt when the doctor said that it was treatable and curable.  I didn't ever think that I would have to been grateful that my Daddy has a treatable and curable cancer.

It has been a roller coaster of emotions and I know we have really only just started this battle.  Many months of treatment and tests are to come.  I am already physically and emotionally exhausted.  I can't even imagine what my mother must feel, what my father feels.  What I do know, I know for a surety.  Heavenly Father loves my father.  He is one of His most valiant servants.  I know He is watching over him and my family.  I know my family is eternal through the ordinances of His Holy Temple.  I know my Savior has felt my father's pain and has taken it upon himself through His Atonement.  We must have faith and hope.  Please remind me of this testimony as time goes on.  I will need to rely on it.

Please continue to pray for us, continue to offer service, continue to lift our spirits.  Thank you all so so very much!

Thank you for Prayers

Yesterday we witnessed a miracle in my daddy as he exhibited a dramatic improvement from his condition on Sunday.  Thank you so very very much for all of those who participated in the fast and who kept him and our family in their thoughts and prayers.  Your continued prayers are very needed as this may be a long road ahead.  My mother is carrying such heavy burdens and my heart aches for her.  We still have not received the results of the ominous tests, but we hope to receive word soon.

I was able to spend most of the day at the hospital with my daddy and most of my immediate family.  It was a comforting feeling being able to be there together.  We felt of your strength, faith, and love.  We know that 100s if not 1000s of people participated in the fast, and that is simply a tender mercy of our Heavenly Father.  It is truly a manifestation of the goodness of mankind, God's children.  To turn your hearts, thoughts, and actions toward someone else and their well-being is such a testimony of man's inner desire to be good, to do good, and to be surrounded by goodness.

This morning in our family devotional we sang the hymn, "Did you think to pray?"  We felt the truthfulness of the words "prayer can change the night to day" and the reminder "So when life gets dark and dreary, don't forget to pray"  I am thankful for the comfort we receive in song.  For me, music draws the comforting arms of my Savior closer.  My dear friend shared song with me that helped her during some scary times, and I'd love to share it with you.

When my world is shaking, heaven stands   

When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands  

Your hands that shape the world  

Are holding me   

They hold me still. 

I ask for your continued prayers for my sweet Daddy, for my loving mother, for strength and optimism for me, for Felicity who feels my tension and has been so cranky, for my little sister on her mission in France, for all of my family, for the doctors.  Thank you!

Fast for my Daddy

Dear family and friends,

It is with an aching heart that I ask for your help this evening.  My extraordinary father, my sweet daddy has been in the hospital for about a week and has been suffering much for a lot longer.  We are still not sure what is wrong with him.  He has undergone many, many tests from which we hope to receive answers in a few days.  Tonight I ask you if you would join my family in a special fast tomorrow on behalf of my father, Russell.  For us, fasting is an added power to prayer alone.  Fasting is not to just go without food for a certain period of time, it intensifies prayers and invites the Holy Ghost into our life for the purpose of bringing ourselves and our prayers closer to God.  Thank you all so much.

With love,

Briana