Monday, December 17, 2012

watching them closely

this morning was rather calm
the misty rain and foggy clouds creating that feeling of wanting to stay right where you are and curl up in a blanket
my heart was still heavy from seeing the faces of those lives lost in that senseless act
and reading about their love for life
their dance recitals, baseball games, and passion for their professions
as i drove up to the the younger boys' school today my stomach had a twinge of fear
i followed them closely in my car after i dropped them off
i watched them closely, appreciating them each at this age
tate, 5, a ball of fire.  a spring in every step. you always know he's around.  everyone is his friend.  and he really likes to have can see the strain in his little body when he's trying really hard to refrain from something that he knows he shouldn't do but looks really, really fun
eyan, 7, a sensitive soul.  a easy-going, content boy.  his eyes are open to who needs help and how he can do it.  he is a protector and a watcher.  everyone loves him and is his bud.  he is naturally drawn to do what is right and loves to feel that warm and fuzzy feeling that accompanies it.

my 'mother heart' aches with those grieving mothers
losing my father was the most difficult thing i have experienced in my entire life
the void, the need, the longing
that accompany such a loss is sometimes too excruciating to bear
losing a child...
no words

what i do know is what i have experienced for myself throughout my recent journey of separation
that better than any earthly blanket
i have been wrapped up in the warm and secure embrace of my Savior Jesus Christ 
it is almost too reverent to speak of
but it has been real oh so real
that relationship has been my anchor
and when i have raised it up to tread that sea alone, i have felt it, i have felt the drifting, the confusion, the doubt, the anger
only when i am firmly planted with my anchor can i face the ever-changing, unpredictable waves that make up everyday life

as i greeted each of my boys after school today, i wrapped my arms around them and held them extra long
so grateful they were safe and home
so grateful to hold them
and watch them grow
feeling blessed today
very blessed


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