slowing down and drinking it in

something refreshing and different happened yesterday
it was almost as if i was watching myself and my interactions with my children from afar
time slowed down just a bit today
allowing me to recognize the moments in which i was feeling content in doing the little things of motherhood

gazing down at my faintly freckled faced ten year old boy.  as i watching him talk to me after school, i was only half listening as i peered onto his changing face.  Owen has grown up so much this summer. a smile came across my face and i gave him a soft kiss on the cheek interrupting him mid sentence.

sitting next to my little E on his bed, as he has been feeling a bit under the weather the past few days.  he kindly requested that i clip his fingernails.  you would be jealous of the speed at which they grow, of course quite less desirable for a seven year old boy.  we laughed as i tried to contain them as they shot in every which direction, one bounced off my nose.

calming a crying Tate on my bed with a little facial massage, he experiencing some pain behind his eye and an earache.  his sweet little face finally relaxing, with his eyes closing putting his long eyelashes to rest.  i did little circles on his temples, forehead, cheek bones, and across his jawbone.  this child responses instantly to touch.

attempting to brush Felicity's teeth through tightly sealed lips.  laughing and acquiescing to the fact that she has to do everything herself.  i was thoroughly entertained with the intensity in which she scrubbed her teeth and then the gentleness she then used to softly wash the toothpaste off her face when she was finished.

how i love looking upon these faces

i found myself being okay with and thankfully even drinking in this different phase of life,
being consumed in motherhood
not having many spare moments to craft, decorate, blog, or even to finish those 'must do's
another major change has occurred in our family
i have decided to homeschool Owen part-time this year
a subject i would like to explore more with you at a later time
it has brought about some serious introspection on what i am willing to do for my children's happiness and what role their development plays in my own
sometimes time i give up to do those little things like administer medicine, trim fingernails, or patiently allow my child to do something on their own that i know would take me a fraction of the time,
becomes ground for bitterness, thinking about the more desirable things that i would rather be doing.
i am so grateful for those simple moments i caught myself doing yesterday
when i could almost see myself interacting with each individual child as if on a home movie
i felt so much satisfaction in motherhood
that was truly a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father during this time of fast paced transitions

just daddy and me

i am missing my daddy

today is the first time i have seen these photos
these incredible photos that are causing me to hold my breath
wishing i could just go back to that day
when i could hold him
feel his soft hair
hear his laugh
and just be next to him

i love all the subtleties in these
my gaze
his gaze
the lean of my forehead onto him
soft kiss
soft smiles
silly grins
each capturing varying emotions and aspects of my relationship with him
admiration
pride
safety
comfort
appreciation
love
silliness
joy

i just wanted to feel near him today
so i asked our dear friend cheryl who had the foresight to take these
if i could finally see the ones of him and i
i had seen the ones with each individual grandchild
and the one of us as an entire family
but not the ones of just Daddy and I
oh how i adore him
and ache to have him here

really having these photos are an absolute miracle and mercy of a loving Heavenly Father
this was the last day that i can remember Daddy really being Daddy
laughing at ease
happy to be near us
even later on that night at my cousin's picturesque wedding, dancing the only way Daddy could
he had us rolling

daddy is not a 'photo' person
its a definite 'man' trait in our family
but he was so gracious, so easy going that day
he just enjoyed each and every one of us and our individual, unique relationship with him
he always made each of us feel special

of course he enjoyed the dynamic of our whole family together
that's always eventful
such as when the sofa that we hiked out to the middle of the field, the sofa that has been in our family since we were kids, sunk into the ground when we all sat and leaned on it
and when sudden gusts of wind blew hair and clothes and surrounding debris every which direction just at the moment we were all finally situated, causing continual laughter and mayhem
its never a dull moment

so even though it is difficult to see these
i will treasure these each and every day until i will see him again

Ka-Pow, Craft Explosion is on

{photo by alibubba}

once upon a season i made time for superfluous, yet awfully lovely things like hobbies

it wasn't that long ago really

i have a sewing class that at one point in time was taught every month at my home

filled with the humming of machines and the chatter of budding seamstresses

our best attended and showpiece event last year was 

CRAFT EXPLOSION  

two nights full to the brim of cutting, gluing, painting, stapling, beading, staining,

and of course eating and talking

well its finally happening

CRAFT EXPLOSION  that is

after all that has been happening in my life
i almost let it pass by, just not sure i had it in me,
but i decided to i must do it for several important reasons:
* i would be so sad if i didn't do it, i had a blast last year, can you believe its been a whole year?
* i miss you ladies, i need your energy and craftiness
* i desperately need a creative rush, and there are so many amazing projects just calling our names
* my daddy was such a supporter of my classes, and i know he would want me to carry on

so it is decided
CRAFT EXPLOSION will happen on
NOVEMBER 14 and 15
dependent on one very important condition

YOU

won't you be my teacher
won't you please
please won't you be
my teacher

oh its so much fun,
you know you want to
just ask them how much fun it was

look for possible class choices for you to choose to teach over here on my sewing class blog
or just come and craft away for two fantabulous nights
{sorry, no sleepover}
and all the fun details
coming very soon

****UPDATED POST with details on the 2012 CRAFT ExPLoSioN LINEUP HERE****

one month: the path of the yo-yo

one month
it has been one month today since my daddy died
it seems so surreal to verbalize those words,
they can't belong to me, this couldn't happen to me, not my daddy
yet it did
i shared the significance of this day with a few people and how could i expect them to respond?
to cry
to act out in rage
to collapse with disbelief
for their response to echo these fleeting emotions i have had today would have been indulgently satisfying
but mostly silence was their response
reflection and reminiscing in their eyes
can it really be a month, an entire month without my daddy

i keep expecting him to come home at any moment
like he's been on an extended business trip
i keep expecting him to call to see what's new at the johnsons
i've even said in response to a few of the boys' questions, 'go ask grandpa'
i've repeatedly had thoughts of, 'i'll call dad'
he's been gone long enough, i'm ready for him to come home
i can't imagine living the rest of my life without him

i have been feeling like a yo-yo
emotions bouncing up and down, up and down
outside forces driving me to spin round and round
wrapping myself around the string of everyday events that place demand on me to keep going

there has been stretches of days in which i have managed to jump back into life
actually living it with an immense strength that has been gifted to me
a power i have never felt before
seeing life through a new lens, much wider and focused
floating through days in which my weaknesses were swallowed up in the grace of a loving Heavenly Father

but then it came
uninvited emotions of various origins

guilt for actually trying to keep going on with life and for having days in which i don't break down and cry, and just maybe thinking i am able to go on
how could i go on
why should i be ok living without him
doesn't that discredit who he is and how much i need him

anxiety and being overwhelmed
when a new straw comes to tip the scales after you thought you had just balanced it out
straws that have come in the form of
rampant moth infestation in my pantry, forcing each and every item to be removed and inspected and/or tossed
{ooohhh you don't even want to hear the details of this revolting tale which sent me into a full blown hyperventilating anxiety attack, accompanied with involuntary twitches and movements}
car breakdowns in the school pick-up line of busily taxi-ing parents
prolonged episodes of uncooperative children in an array of locales
these, the final straws to send me over the edge

as evidence of a merciful Heavenly Father,
angels in the form of earthly friends have immediately raced to my rescue

And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
And he said, Come.  And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying Lord, save me.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him...

{Matthew 14: 28-31}

beginning to sink
if there was ever a way to describe my state at those moments, that would be it
beginning to sink
and immediately
friends stretched forth their hands and caught me in my dissension

such evidence of one of my father's favorite quotes which he recited to me often throughout my life
{mentioned previously here}

God does notice us, and he watches over us.  But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.

Pres. Spencer W. Kimball 

but i would be remiss if i did not reiterate the lift that i have felt in many of the days within this past month
sometimes the lift lasted for days, beautiful days full of increased love for motherhood and patience for the silly little inconveniences of day to day living
other times it has been the rescuing lift, reaching down to pull me up during moments of difficulty

i indeed have felt the presence of my father this month
i am so grateful for those instances
and i hold them dear and sacred

friends i thank you for reaching out to my family
for the notes, for the doorstep surprises, for the calls, for the goodies, for the hugs, for the simple acts of kindness and service that really mean so much to us and are what keep us going.
each one brings to the forefront of my mind those sweet words of testimony from a prophet of God.
God does notice us and he watches over us.
He knows what I am feeling and he is providing countless ways for me to see it.
I pray that I may continue to lift my gaze to see them in the days ahead.
When one month turns into two...
into three...
and on down this road


if you haven't been able to do so yet, we are still looking to put together a book full of your thoughts, stories, and photos of my Daddy.  please email them to russellmyhero@gmail.com. we have been enriched by those who have shared so far.  thank you again.

under a shady tree, my first visit to the gravesite

this morning Mom invited my siblings and i to join her in visiting Daddy's gravesite

i must admit that yesterday at the cemetery i was initially very bothered that the 'graveside' service was not 'graveside'

i had expected his casket to be delivered from the funeral service to its final resting place, not a pavilion in the center of the cemetery

i guess that must have been the policy for such a small cemetery as Wildomar

i grumbled in my mind for a bit and then decided that that was what was going to happen so i just needed to accept it

i was grateful that i did so that i could enjoy the beautiful dedicatory prayer that my brother Jesse gave upon the plot and final resting place of Daddy

to protect it from harm and any natural disasters

such a comforting prayer

i was indeed anxious this morning to actually see where Daddy had been laid to rest

i was delighted to see that it was in a beautiful location

right under the large branches of a strong, shady tree

i quickly looked up from the ground to the heavenward view from his gravesite.

as my mother, brother Luke (Jesse being in Utah for his sister in law's wedding), and sisters laid on a blanket next to the gorgeous flowers adorning Daddy's grave

i realized that i would be spending many, many hours below this magnificent tree

it was peaceful and comfortable there

something i was not expecting to feel

huddling together, Mom told us stories of meeting Dad for the first time

how shy and sweet she thought him to be

and then of their courtship

and the events that transpired leading up to their marriage

such a tender feeling in her words

it was a time of closeness and quietude

and i did not want to leave

i could have stayed there all day

knowing that what awaited me were things and people expecting me to do normal things

clothes and dishes to be washed

milk to be bought

doctors to see

people who i would come in to contact with that have no idea the aching i am experiencing and the loss i feel

my inclination right now is to just stay where i am most comfortable and with those who understand and wouldn't expect me to have to say a thing

oh how do you carry on with such normal things?

even after knowing Daddy lives on and Heavenly Father's comfort is close

it still hurts

to those who attended the service

good morning friends and family

it hasn't been very long since we have spoken, as i feel that i was with so many of you yesterday

i witnessed such a grand tribute to my father as i saw the entire congregation, in reverence, arise when his casket entered the room

admirers and loved ones reached to the very back of the building, filled additional adjoining rooms as well as received a broadcast at an entirely different building

the honor was immense

as everyone stood i turned my gaze to span the entire chapel and breathed it all in

a moment engraved in my mind forever

i saw faces of those i have known nearly all my life and have loved me since i was a little girl

and even some who have loved Daddy since he was a young boy

some had traveled great distances to be there

to lend their love and lift to my mother and our family

i saw faces of some who didn't even know Daddy, but i knew came just for me

their kind gesture left me feeling so loved

many faces i did not know

to me they stood as a testament of the breadth of the influence of my father

i was grateful for those who greeted me, never having met me, but who loved my father

repeatedly i heard

he gave me a chance

he gave me counsel 

it was an honor serving with him

he was the greatest man i have ever known

i learned so much from him

i believe that the comments which bestowed the greatest honor upon my father

were those who revealed to me that after the service they had been so affected as to want to make changes in their own life, be a little bit better, make some adjustments, for they had a desire to realign their life with those things that were most important

the life of my father was an inspiration and testament to our ability to live each day demonstrating where our priorities lie.

mike and i commented later on that there were an overwhelming amount of those who had come to greet us that spoke of their own great personal loss of a parent, sibling, or loved one

we believed that there was something substantial to that

looking back we realized that we have not lent the needed service to those who had lost someone

we had not gone to great lengths to extend our support

we had not yet experienced that piercing ache and deep void in our life

now we can see why those who have suffered through this would want to reach out in empathy to those who have also lost so deeply in their life, to "mourn with those who mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:9)

having experienced this earthly separation and void themselves

and in knowing that it was in part due to the love and support of others gathered round you that you could take that next step, and the step after that, and so on

today i wanted to express my deepest gratitude for those who attended the services 

whether i was able to talk to you, just see your face, or see your name in the guest book.

thank you for aching with me

thank you for crying with me

thank you for lifting me

thank you for your faith and courage on my behalf

there is so much more to say about the services of the day

and the impressions that they left on my heart 

i hope in the days to come the words of strength and comfort will flood my mind

as truthfully all the particular words of the service are a little cloudy in my recollection 

i would ask if there were words shared that struck your heart if you could please share them with me, so that i may recall them too

a life well proven, my daddy Russell

i did not want to open my eyes this morning not ready to face the day if it was all true
i feel just as my brother Jesse kept saying yesterday, 'it just all seems so surreal'

an army of family and friends gathered in the room of my father
and in the room down the hall
moments of joy for the rest he was finally to receive
intermixed with outbreaks of sobbing and confessions of our desires to not live this life without him here
tributes of honor whispered into his ear of loyal friendship, quiet acts of service, and never ending love, and of course of the example of tireless work in the Lord's kingdom, letting each person know of their worth and their divine capabilities to live the gospel, and live it with exactness.
expressions of eternal love by my courageous and regal mother.
deliverance of Christlike love by her for in her own suffering she came to the comfort of others with words of reassurance of Daddy's love for us and of known truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

we stayed by his side for the duration of the day and into the late hours of the night as he was taking his final breaths
his body having succumbed completely to the cancer
having fought like only my Daddy could have fought for over two years
his strength being akin to nothing else in this world

i looked upon his face and knew his Earth life was complete
and not just complete but proven
oh proven in every way we all hope to achieve
my father proved in every word and deed of the truths he knew
and mostly in quiet ways did he speak and act
this great man worked in meekness


all the while sweet angelic music played
and familiar words of doctrinal hymns ran phrases of gospel truths through our minds

these deeds shall thy memorial be; fear not, thou didst them unto me **

be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on when we shall be forever with the Lord, when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.  be still, my soul: when change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last. **

faithful and true he will enter his kingdom, crown'd in the midst of the prophets of old
mingling with Gods he can plan for his brethren, death cannot conquer the hero again**

the works of God continue, and worlds and lives abound; improvement and progression have one eternal round.  there is not end to union; there is no end to youth; there is no end to priesthood; there is no end to truth.  there is no end to glory; there is no end to love; there is no end to being; there is no death above.**

lead kindly light amid the encircling gloom, lead thou me on.  the night is dark and i am far from home. lead thou me on. lead thou my feet, i do not ask to see the distant scene, one step enough for me.**


oh how i always want to see that distant scene, one step never seems enough for me
but the words of this particular hymn have been in my mind this past week
and i must now act out in faith, that since i know who is leading me, that one step is indeed enough

as i fought and sobbed not wanting to step out of that ICU door,
not wanting to leave my Daddy there
not knowing what to do, how to live by taking one step out of that door
how do i greet people
how do i go to the store
how do i tell my children

Mike took me by the hands and told me to look at his face
oh his sweet and tender face with power in strength and faith behind those gentle blue eyes
and he said, 'one step'

he spoke words of strength and faith and truth 

of those things i know to be true and can testify to you more than ever

truths taught to me from the time i was a little girl by my father

that death is not the end

that my Daddy lives and his spirit was not there in that room anymore

i felt the difference

that my Daddy is having a joyous reunion with those who have already passed on

and he is being put to work for he is a worker, a loyal servant 

that he will always be with me and i will feel him closer than i ever could before 

for he can be with me in ways that he couldn't while here on this earth

and ever so important that we will be there for my children to guide them and warn them as they continue on in their earthly mission

all of this has culminated to a greater knowledge that Jesus Christ lives

what a testimony i have received of that from the life and death of my own father

this is what i will need in days ahead

when i just need my Daddy, when i just wish i could hear his voice, hear his laugh, and feel his enveloping embrace

thank you friends for the service you have provided for myself and my family through your thoughts, prayers, and the continual acts of kindness.  i will need them more than ever in the days ahead.  they have literally sustained me and will continue to do so.  pray for my sweet mother, pray for her to feel the comfort that she needs so that she will never feel alone.  act on those promptings and thoughts you will have on ways you can take action to help her in this.

she has made a request which she asked me to share.  she would like everyone to please email me stories of my Daddy.  she knows that he has touched so many lives, and would like to make a book out of everyone's experiences with my father.  please email any thoughts, and particularly stories, as well as any photos you may have to russellmyhero@gmail.com  thank you all for sharing in our lives.

***UPDATED SERVICE INFORMATION as of July 31st 9:30 am***

Services for my Father Russell F Dix will be:

A Visitation - opportunity to pay your respects to Daddy and meet with our family
Tuesday, July 31st from 6-8 pm at
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
29725 Bradley Road
Sun City, CA 92586

Visitation
Wednesday, August 1 from 9-9:30 am at
the Bradley building at above address

Funeral
Wednesday, August 1 at 10:00am at

the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

29725 Bradley Road

Sun City, CA 92586

Graveside Service following the funeral at 

the Wildomar Cemetery

21400 Palomar Street,

Wildomar, CA 92595

**Luncheon to follow the Graveside Service
There will be a video presentation as well as tributes made by those invited to share at

the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

29725 Bradley Road

Sun City, CA 92586

Those wishing to make a donation in honor of my father may contribute to one of these three charities:

Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation
www.themmrf.org

Perpetual Education Fund
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
give.ldsp.org/perpetualeducationfund

Humanitarian Aid
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
give.lds.org/humanitarian

Please also remember to email me your stories and photos of my Daddy to russellmyhero@gmail.com

the outpouring of your love has been tremendous!  thank you so very much.

{if you wish to read any further information regarding My Daddy's journey and our privileged journey with him please click here or on the 'My Daddy' label in the right hand column}

life-support: sustaining hope and my Daddy's desire to fight

this morning i awoke with swollen eyes to images of Mike getting ready to leave for the hospital
i am so grateful for this man that i married who loves my father
and has created through the years, a bond of mutual admiration and brotherhood with him

this morning i write with deep reverence
i don't know if i can eek out all the details with these weak fingers
but i wanted to reach as many people this morning and plead with you for your prayers

yesterday my family received such difficult information regarding my Daddy's health and the decision that we needed to make, that initially i felt as though someone had knocked the wind out of me.

the overall picture
is that the infection is in his blood and his body is laboring too much to be able to fight this on his own.
life-support
would be required to continue to fight this infection
if you think that this would be a simple decision, you are seriously mistaken

after much prayer and trying to honor the desires of my father
we decided that putting Daddy on life-support in order to try and battle this infection
in hopes of still bringing his body to a level of stability to be transported to Huntsman Cancer Institute
would be the best decision
granted there are so many other factors that i have not mentioned, that this is an extremely oversimplified version of this

i have so many more things in my heart that are flooding my thoughts
but my main message for today is
PRAY, PLEAD that Daddy's body will be able to fight this infection in the coming few days.

this is the greatest battle of his life.
and we all know he is a fighter,
the strongest man i have ever know.

PRAY for strength for my mother
PRAY for a miracle.
PRAY that all of us may be at peace as we make decisions and as we watch the will of Heavenly Father unfold before us, whatever that may be.
PRAY my friends, please pray.

sunny days, sweepin' the clouds away

everything i learned, i learned on sesame street, right?
can you hear the beat of the opening song
dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun

sunny days, sweepin' the clouds away...
{enjoy this beautiful rendition by Joshua Radin here}

{yes i have my own Sesame Street book}

that's what i'm trying to do over here in 'woe-is-me'ville
sweep those blues away
and focus on the sunnier side of my blessed life

here are a few of the rays of sunshine that have parted those clouds
represented through a little iphoneographie and instragramologie


a girl's night out with my dearest Leslie always my advocate and cheering section... boy did i need the laughs and yummy food and there were plenty of both  {you've got to try PF Chang's banana spring rolls ... they're heaven!!}

Leslie and i created a photo scavenger hunt for each other...Leslie was killer and determined to win ...one of my requirements: a mohawk with a peace sign.  oh the antics to get this one!

'may i take your order?' owen asks.  in n out...always a bright spot.  i never tire of its yumminess, even after working there in high school.  tate wasn't into it, but that's ok.  he was definitely into his shake.

Dada and baby girl sharing a neapolitan shake.  yes, they make those on request!  this man is such an amazing father, husband, and optimist...keeps going and going.  

a surprise party for my gorgeous little sis...her 30th!  man i'm old.  nes knows just the right times to check on me.  must be sister intuition:)

some time alone...just me and the sea.  there is just something about the lulling sound of the majestic ocean waves that washes away the worries of a day.

a game of telephone with some serious cuties.

seriously it had been far too long since i had blown bubbles in my gum.  a feeling of carefree childhood rushed to my lips.

for a understanding husband who stays home with the kids so i can spend hours at a time with my Daddy.   Mike himself spends hours of time with him as well.  so grateful for their relationship.

rejuvenating time with my Mom at the San Diego Temple...feeling so near to my Heavenly Father... refueling spiritually then physically with some scrumptious greek food.

Abigail the miracle baby turned one... she is such a joy to our family with her busy little ways.  her life is a testament of God's power and love and the effect of a community of prayers.

living next door to my parents is such a blessing.  overnight campouts for the boys being one of the many benefits.

some Papa time at home...even if just for a day

some girlie time with Mom and my sisters.  so blessed to have all of their support in my life.  we have been holding each other up.  just missing Kelli here.  can you believe i got my toe nails painted?  much do to the encouragement of Mike who is not a 'foot' person. apparently mine were in dire need of attention.

a surprise 35th wedding anniversary party for my parents!!! Daddy was able to come home straight from the hospital to be at my Mom's side to greet his 150 guests who celebrated their exemplary marriage with all of us.  many, many hands made this unforgettable evening possible!!!

morning yoga with the kids.  love their enthusiasm and energy.  i miss teaching.  yoga is medicine for the soul.

Felicity displaying her excellent form in the 3-legged downward dog and Tate with his alligator pose.

life is a joy when i see the little bits that fit together to give it real meaning.
i have shared this moving video with you before, but i hope you will enjoy it again, as i do each time i watch it.
watch it here.

it features some of my favorite quotes that keep me focusing on what truly matters most:

moments are the molecules that make up eternity.

Elder Neal A Maxwell

its not so much the major events, as the small day to day decisions that map the course of our living.  

Pres. Gordon B Hinckley

we would do well to slow down a little, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes and truly see the things that matter most.  strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light.  it comes from paying attention to the divine things that matter most. diligently doing the things that matter most will lead us to the Savior of the World 

Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf

as i focus on the significant and lift up my eyes
sunny days will most definitely sweep those clouds away.

a blue period

Pablo Picasso
marked with having a blue period
Van Gogh
continually expressed emotion with intense blue
great works brought forth during times of deep introspection and difficulty

i have been having a bit of a blue period myself
i thought i had been doing an adequate job of hiding how i was feeling from everyone else
until yesterday when my loving mother pointed it out
she even used the 'd' word to describe what i was experiencing
immediately tears released in agreement

unlike Van Gogh and Picasso, whose blue period brought forth masterpieces such as
Picasso's Self Portrait 1901

and my personal favorite, Van Gogh's Almond Blossoms

my blue period has been marked by a vortex or even a black hole of creativity
writing, painting, parenting, living life in any creative fashion has escaped my fingertips
despite the lack of production of any visible masterpieces
i am hoping that there was been some other sort of workings in the process of production
workings of the soul
the work of dependency
the work of submission
the work of humility
the work of yearning
the work of endurance
the work of change

i am reaching out to my Heavenly Father to ask him to lift me to heights i can not see
to fill me up with the springs of the living water of hope, of faith, of perserverence
that i may access that divine gift of His Son, my Savior's Atonement
that i, a small blip in his vast creations, am somehow known, loved, and sustained through this power is almost incomprehensible
as i had the privilege this past Saturday of attending our church's temple, a House of the Lord, the closest thing to being in the presence of God here on Earth, i felt his warmth, his peace, his love, and his encouragement

my prayer now is that i may raise my eyes above the turbulent waves of my current situation and fix my gaze upon Him that has felt and overcome all

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people...and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

Alma 7:11-12 {emphasis added} 

there is no greater miracle than that

this blue period is not an expression of whether I believe Christ performed this miracle for me, that I know to be true
this blue period is an expression of my battle to keep that knowledge in the forefront as i search to understand this new me that is being created through these workings of change...this new me that must emerge from this blue period and hand in hand with my Savior walk, walk in whatever new path i am to blaze.  discovering that this is where he needs me, this where i belong now.  and as long as i keep my hand in His, wherever that may lead me, that is where He wants me to be.  and i will in turn become the work of change: a work of His will, the Master himself.