Friday, March 15, 2013

walking out the door with grace and snowman pjs

my alarm clock mercilessly went off at 6:00 am
it doesn't care that i was up til 12:52 am
returning emails
chatting with my friend with a heart of gold about my 35 for 35 Night of sewing baby blankets and her own cause she is courageously championing
i may have squeezed in a little 'history of rap' with jimmy fallon and j t

i roll over to kneel in prayer and fall in and out of sleep
i put on my house socks and head downstairs to read my scriptures
i drift in and out whilst reading then decide that reading them aloud may be better served
little feet come downstairs and join me under my warm blanket
i let us divert from our regular routine and allow them to eat breakfast before getting dressed
and so a lot of diverging follows
until 8:15 sneaks up on us and we are racing to leave for school
i make peanut butter and jelly sandwich for one
peanut butter and honey for the other
in snowman pj pants i threw on a raincoat to try and camouflage in the drop off lane
and then race upstairs to my distraught child who still can't seem to find a pair of socks from pile of clean clothes
as i am exiting the door in my red and purple chevron socks
i am asking myself 'what am i doing'
'how do i think i could do this'
my mind was immediately filled with the thought
which i recognized as wise and divine
'you are going through a lifestyle change'
'give yourself some grace'
wow i was so grateful for those thoughts
with an immediate change of mood and big sigh of grace i hopped in my daddy's car to rush the kids to the school gate before it locks
i am going through a lifestyle change
and in part i chose this one
to help lighten the burdens of my incredibly hard working, never complaining, duty proud and bound husband
i have been asking for some time if i could help him in providing financial assistance for our family
he has dismissed this idea every time
mainly to not have to place additional burdens upon my already weighed down shoulders
but as i have thought through this, and actually through writing it down to my friend - as so much epiphanies come- that in actuality me helping to provide for our family will make my burdens lighter in that i will be able to do something to help
i have been praying for many many months about how to help him
how to help our family
where my time is best spent
what my role is
am i to take on a new role

for now i feel like i am to
i am pressing forward with my ideas and impressions and know that if this is to be my path that things will open up for me
and if not i will be warned
i know that uneasy warning feeling well as i have shared with you about having to walk away from the wheel in pursuing a past business venture
so as my life has been thrown into a rock tumbler
you know that machine that you put jewelry or gems into to rub off all the rough edges
that is how i am feeling right now
that piece of silver that is amidst a container full of stones
new rocks
the rock of new schedules
added expectations
new collaboration partners

thrown in along with the familiar ones that i still get hammered by
time management
cleaning routines
making dinner
feeling enough of an intentional mother
a selfless wife
round and round we go
each stone rubbing into me, shaving off a rough edge here and there

i am so grateful for the flood of strength i feel this morning
for the grace and patience i am lending myself this morning
the grace that only comes through the lifting power of my Savior
this power is familiar to me
and i pray that you will come to recognize it too
but be mindful it comes with experiences that require you needing to be lifted
i have felt him carry me many times before
i can feel so now

i am once again on a new part of my path
the scenery has changed
the destination is the same
my companions remain

i am excited to soon share with you my new scenery and path
you being here today is helping me along the way


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